I ended up going back to the office a little before 9 and we hung out and talked until like 2:30 in the morning. I don't think either of us wanted the evening to be over... I miss him so much. We didn't do anything, we were close near the end of the night... I was ready for it, I wanted him so badly, but for once we did the right thing.
He's so conflicted and it pains me to see him that way. I asked him what he wanted and he basically said he wants me to be over him so he doesn't have to feel bad but he also doesn't want me to forget about him so that if he ends up single again it wouldn't be that hard to convince me to be with him. He then readily admitted how selfish that all is and I agreed. He asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted him. And then he talked about all the baggage that he would come with and I said that I feel something strong enough and real enough that it's worth taking that on just to get the opportunity to see us through. He was like but think of that from my perspective, and I was like I know it's a huge risk. I asked him what was his biggest fear about choosing me. He said that if we realize we're not right for each other I'll think the life I had with my wife wasn't all that bad. At one point I said I don't know his wife I can't make any kind of judgements about her, but does he think that they can reach the kind of compatibility he and I have. And he was like define compatibility. I said the propensity to be able to be on the same page. He said he thought they did, but that he and I definitely have a lot more in common. I brought up how it's hard to compare all of this when he has known her for years and he and I were just getting to know each other. He also has doubts about my credibility due to all the ridiculous shit I've been doing the last few months.
A life with him is not ideal, it would be hard, and I feel like him choosing to work on his marriage should be a relief for me, it's my exit out of this situation. Of course it was always going to hurt to say goodbye and to not be his choice...but it feels like so much more than that. I cannot get over how strongly I feel that we were supposed to have met and that we always would have become more. I said maybe this is exactly how it was supposed to happen so that we would appreciate each other.
When I first met Sailor and we were on our first date, I remember having a fleeting thought that I could see myself marrying this man. I saw the potential he and I had right away, but with the Sailor I was always trying to impress him, to be who I thought he wanted me to be. I loved how much he loved me, I loved the security of knowing that I could do anything and he'd never leave me. And although he always said all the nice and lovely things, his actions and the way he treated me never made me feel any of those things.
When I'm with him though, I've never felt more like myself. He alluded to having a similar feeling but that he wasn't sure if I brought that out of him or if as a 30 year old man he's just more comfortable in his own skin. I'm sure being older is part of it, but I wonder if the way he feels around me... If he feels that way around his wife. If it is purely related to his level of acceptance with himself, then he should feel that comfortable with her as well.
I know I don't know him well enough to really know if we would work out, and I know I'm going to be a lot more diligent before I consider marrying someone again. I understand why I'm such a scary option but I also feel like regardless of if we are right for each other, if we went through with this and gave ourselves the opportunity to see what we could actually be out in the real world, I think it would prove to us both how much more there is to life. That even if we didn't work out, we wouldn't regret it because it would be so clear the lives we had before were shells compared to what it can be.
The baggage he would come with is a lot, and I don't take it lightly, but I also feel like my life has groomed me to be capable of handling it, I even said as much to him as we were watching a leaf dance in the wind in the parking lot. He mentions those hardships like they should change my feelings. They will absolutely complicate life, but they could never detract from who he is and what he means to me.
Would I be ready for all of it right now? No, definitely not. I want to go back to school full time to get my masters and hopefully that journey will begin next fall. Only one school is in this area and it'll be a two year thing. I know I'm not ready to be a parent yet and put another beings needs in front of my own. Ideally I think I want the freedom to go and accomplish some of the dreams I neglected because of the Sailor. I want him to take the time to really evaluate why he wants to work on his marriage and if it's really a relationship that he could find happiness in. If he realizes that it's not, I want him to actively choose me, I fear that if he just holds out until she gives up and wants to leave that I'll feel like I'm just the back up option. I don't know if that's something I'd be able to get over...and adding that to the pestering thought that if in the future we weren't happy he'd do to me what he did to his wife...both of those doubts together would lead to resentment.
If he decides that I'm worth the risk, that he can see that the life we could have together is what he wants, I'd want him to tell me, but I don't think I'd want him to necessarily do anything about it right away. If he's going to choose me and have to deal with all the consequences of that choice, I would never want him to have to do that alone. Divorce, even when it's you that wants it, is heartbreaking. The world you've known is gone and the sense of loss is overwhelming. I felt so aimless and lost and so unsure about my future until he and I started. I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been to go through the beginnings of my own, if I hadn't had him. With my immediate plans for my own future, I would not be able to be here for him. I hate that right now I can't be there for him even as his friend. I guess I'm saying I wouldn't want him to really make a decision and move forward until I'm back in this area...
Two years of limbo though sounds sort of dreadful, I just know that I cannot back down from my dreams again. That even if he chose me tomorrow, I would not decide to just stay. But I know me leaving would lead to resentment...but staying would lead to resentment on my part. He said on Thursday night that either way he's fucked and it's probably the biggest decision he'll ever make... He's right, both paths have their downfalls and both are going to be immediately hard. But we have to look at what the eventual reward would be once the shit storms are over. That after the first few years dealing with the divorce and figuring out how that's all going to work, me possibly not even being around because of school, lots of emotions, lots of drama, but none of that would last. At the end of that we would be together, and I really don't see us not working out. There's a phrasing that his dad used that I totally understand, this totally overwhelming feeling of needing to share life with him, it just doesn't feel like that would ever just go away.
When you decide you want to spend your life with someone you're saying that's the face I want to wake up to everyday, those are the eyes I want to lose myself in, that is the smile I want to make my heart swell, those are the hands I want to comfort me, that is the laugh I want to hear when I need it most, that is the mind I want to try my best to understand, that is the soul I want to create new life with. You are picking someone to share the burdens and joys with. You have to adore them so that when they eventually annoy you, all they have to do is smile and the annoyance is gone. You have to be able to have fun with them or else the hardships of life will become what's front and center. You have to be able to be unapologetically yourself when you're with them because across a lifetime together, it's impossible to always be what you think they want.
I feel like I could very easily have all of that with him, and not getting the opportunity to find that out is what I think kills me the most.
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