It is is absolute torture to be missing someone so badly that it makes your chest tighten up while knowing that you could just walk down the hall and you could see their face.
The irony I feel is pretty ridiculous when I can't stop myself from rereading old emails and messages when I miss him too much I can't focus at work anyways, so I indulge and let my mind go back to those days when we were madly in love and didn't give a fuck about consequences and the whole thing just felt so perfect that it was surreal, and here I am at my cube reading his words and missing him something awful, and then he just fucking walks by.
We talked a whole lot last Friday. He decided I exist and that he gave two shits about my pending grad school choice and how my Easter was and my family. We had chatted briefly the Friday before when the Burdman's San Fran broad was in town and I had no one else to talk to about it. The convo stayed perfectly within the friend realm and it was nice. But this time...initially when he decided to call after me in the parking lot, it was fine. Normal, casual, grad school stuff, how was Easter, pretty standard things.
But then I message him asking if that was an ok thing to do, that I never know what's ok and what's welcomed. We end up chatting on there for like two hours and then it ending with him saying we probably can't talk again for a while because it's never "just" anything when it comes to us and him at one point saying "You're an evil temptress. And I'm weak." I had mentioned to him the Friday before that Lumberjack met my parents cuz he helped me move and so he point blank asked, how's your boyfriend? how's that going?
Was honest, told him that Lumberjack wasn't my boyfriend, just a friend with potential, but that he started talking to his ex again and that I'm pretty certain they're getting back together. Which has been fun... have been getting a play by play of all that and trying to give impartial advice all the while I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be enough to be someone's choice...but then I think, no fuck them, I'm awesome and eventually I will stop meeting idiots. Someday when I meet a man worthy of me, he will be smart enough to readily recognize the gem that I am.
We ended up going to the Walk the Moon concert together even after I offered him both tickets so he could go with her...I just knew he'd enjoy himself more with her. It was as fun as it could be hanging out with a dude you wish would just date you but he's too hung up on his ex to even really see you clearly even though you see him and all the potential. I'm afraid yesterday might have been goodbye... It sort of felt like it was but I didn't want it to be, so I didn't bring it up. I knew once I started to develop feelings for him that trying to stay friends was most likely going to result in me getting hurt. But I decided he was still worth getting to know. I think I may have started to fall for him though... which would be just my fucking luck.
He really is such a good dude, reminds me so much of my twin. I sort of realized last night, that maybe part of the attraction to Lumberjack is that I miss having my brother in my life more than I knew. I just want him to be happy, regardless of if I'm a part of it the way or want to be, or a part of it at all. Fuck man I need to stop being so free with my love...I'm only ever disappointed.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
I wonder...
Just had a run in with Him in the break room...It was nice to see his face and to hear his voice...
I wonder if he knows how much I miss him and how often I think of him or if he knows that even though Monday was a really good and productive day for me, it still ended with me crying over him.
I've wanted to say so many things to him since we got lunch together on the 9th and I point blank asked him to tell me he wanted a life with his wife more than he wanted one with me. I needed to hear that he was doing what he wanted and not just what he thought he should be doing...We just have always left the door so fucking wide open and I need to close it to be ok...He said what I needed him to, and if he couldn't I wanted him to promise to never contact me if I was with someone in the future...because I've recognized I'd never be able to say no to him and I hate knowing that...and I don't ever want to hurt someone else that way.
He said some stupid shit along the lines of I don't even know what you see in me I'm kind of an asshole... and I just couldn't say anything, was trying to keep it all to what was necessary...but it still feels like he thinks I'm just a silly girl with a crush...I wish it had been fleeting infatuation, it would be so much easier to get past and get over all of this if that were the case.
What do I see in Him... I see everything, I see a future of happiness, laughter, music, love and true acceptance. He was like just because we have a connection doesn't mean we're supposed to drop everything to be together...and I wanted to say why not? But I didn't...but clearly what I think we have and what I see and feel isn't the same for him. If he loved me the way I want my forever person to love me, he'd never risk losing me. I want an epic love, there's so much in life that we say "good enough" and love just shouldn't be one of them. What would be the point of all of it if you just settled?
Lumberjack and I are talking again and I'm not entirely sure where that's headed, I've been backing off and he's still reaching out here and there and we had a really nice time together on the 13th, honestly it was such a nice ending to that shitty week. I feel like if I just keep being me, and being there for him, something might happen. But it's also like I shouldn't have to talk someone into being with me... I want someone to be as excited about me as I am about them. In the very beginning of things with the Lumberjack it felt he was excited too, and things were definitely progressing quickly and to more than what I'd initially planned on but I was game to feel it out...seems like he decided that it wasn't real...
I officially got into MALTA!! wooooo! and I think I'm going, I'm like 80% sure, I just really need to figure out the logistics of it. Honestly when I get upset about things with Him I just try to remind myself that he's stuck in a marriage with two kids that may or may not be happy again and I've got all these awesome things ahead of me, I mean living abroad for a year??! My life is actually kind of sweet when you ignore all my loose ends I'm tying up from my phase of recklessness.
All I know, and need to keep reminding myself is that my person is out there, and when the timing is right, it'll work out, and whatever is in my future will be better than what I'd previously resigned myself for.
I wonder if he knows how much I miss him and how often I think of him or if he knows that even though Monday was a really good and productive day for me, it still ended with me crying over him.
I've wanted to say so many things to him since we got lunch together on the 9th and I point blank asked him to tell me he wanted a life with his wife more than he wanted one with me. I needed to hear that he was doing what he wanted and not just what he thought he should be doing...We just have always left the door so fucking wide open and I need to close it to be ok...He said what I needed him to, and if he couldn't I wanted him to promise to never contact me if I was with someone in the future...because I've recognized I'd never be able to say no to him and I hate knowing that...and I don't ever want to hurt someone else that way.
He said some stupid shit along the lines of I don't even know what you see in me I'm kind of an asshole... and I just couldn't say anything, was trying to keep it all to what was necessary...but it still feels like he thinks I'm just a silly girl with a crush...I wish it had been fleeting infatuation, it would be so much easier to get past and get over all of this if that were the case.
What do I see in Him... I see everything, I see a future of happiness, laughter, music, love and true acceptance. He was like just because we have a connection doesn't mean we're supposed to drop everything to be together...and I wanted to say why not? But I didn't...but clearly what I think we have and what I see and feel isn't the same for him. If he loved me the way I want my forever person to love me, he'd never risk losing me. I want an epic love, there's so much in life that we say "good enough" and love just shouldn't be one of them. What would be the point of all of it if you just settled?
Lumberjack and I are talking again and I'm not entirely sure where that's headed, I've been backing off and he's still reaching out here and there and we had a really nice time together on the 13th, honestly it was such a nice ending to that shitty week. I feel like if I just keep being me, and being there for him, something might happen. But it's also like I shouldn't have to talk someone into being with me... I want someone to be as excited about me as I am about them. In the very beginning of things with the Lumberjack it felt he was excited too, and things were definitely progressing quickly and to more than what I'd initially planned on but I was game to feel it out...seems like he decided that it wasn't real...
I officially got into MALTA!! wooooo! and I think I'm going, I'm like 80% sure, I just really need to figure out the logistics of it. Honestly when I get upset about things with Him I just try to remind myself that he's stuck in a marriage with two kids that may or may not be happy again and I've got all these awesome things ahead of me, I mean living abroad for a year??! My life is actually kind of sweet when you ignore all my loose ends I'm tying up from my phase of recklessness.
All I know, and need to keep reminding myself is that my person is out there, and when the timing is right, it'll work out, and whatever is in my future will be better than what I'd previously resigned myself for.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Moving Forward
Damn! It's been over a month! I did download this little app thing called one day, and I wrote very short quick entries in that so it's not like I've been so busy and happy I haven't needed to write..
I'm at work and should be leaving soon for some plans.. I did nothing today. Like actually nothing... but the last few days have been emotional as fuck. The Sailor shipped off to Bahrain yesterday and we had to have some serious conversations about the divorce and other shit prior... but I learned that his parents have an urn of Bow's ashes with his paw print on it, sitting on their mantle. Learning that just totally destroyed me and I started crying on the phone and I so didn't want him to see me that vulnerable. I hate the idea of my baby being with them... but I don't know if it's worth causing drama.
At the end of last week I put myself out there with the Lumberjack...I told him I wanted to date him exclusively and he said he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now. But he didn't elude to liking me that way or wanting to still be friends. Left it off with "you have an open invite to my life" but that I couldn't continue expelling effort on someone who was only lukewarm about me being in their life. So maybe he'll miss me and maybe he won't. At this point though I did all that I could to have the outcome I wanted.
I'm at work and should be leaving soon for some plans.. I did nothing today. Like actually nothing... but the last few days have been emotional as fuck. The Sailor shipped off to Bahrain yesterday and we had to have some serious conversations about the divorce and other shit prior... but I learned that his parents have an urn of Bow's ashes with his paw print on it, sitting on their mantle. Learning that just totally destroyed me and I started crying on the phone and I so didn't want him to see me that vulnerable. I hate the idea of my baby being with them... but I don't know if it's worth causing drama.
At the end of last week I put myself out there with the Lumberjack...I told him I wanted to date him exclusively and he said he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now. But he didn't elude to liking me that way or wanting to still be friends. Left it off with "you have an open invite to my life" but that I couldn't continue expelling effort on someone who was only lukewarm about me being in their life. So maybe he'll miss me and maybe he won't. At this point though I did all that I could to have the outcome I wanted.
I'm definitely bumming out about it, I miss talking to him and it's only been a few days. He really had started to become my person... And was more of a distraction than I realized...and so were tinder and OKC. I deleted both off of my phone...but without the distractions He is all I can think about. Especially after telling our love story to a new friend.
I still miss him so fucking much. It's now March, things have been over for 5 months...I really don't think I'll make much more progress with getting over him until I leave the office and all communication actually stops.
Will hear back from NYU this weekend... And then Malta next week and my financial package from UPenn as well. Lots of decisions coming up.
I wish I could still talk to Lumberjack but I stayed true to my promise about not ignoring my inner voice ever again.
Cheers to a life with as few what ifs and regrets as possible!
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Patience is a Virtue
Well it has been a while since I've posted anything... Like I said, I don't tend to write as much when I'm happy. The rest of 2014 got pretty hectic with all the holiday shenanigans and grad school stuff. I really do love it when life gets so busy you don't have the time or space to ponder the what ifs, you're way too busy in the now.
Now that all my pressing deadlines for grad school are wrapped up... things have slowed up again in general. I met someone recently through Tinder that I actually really like, and he was quite the reprieve from my life and really helped me deal with the stress of grad apps. But now we're just friends...which for now is totally fine, but I was definitely bummed about it. We'll call him Lumberjack. Gosh is he an impressive specimen. The man is 6'2" and fit as fuck with this amazing beard! I didn't even know I liked beards. He tosses me around like a doll and jesus h christ is he blessed with a lovely dick. First time I saw it, no lie, the words just flew out of my mouth "It's beautiful, I think I just met my new best friend".
We have amazing chemistry and we can actually hold wonderful conversation together. But I was very upfront about where I'm at in my life and that I've too many things coming up in the near future to be entangled with someone in a serious relationship. He said he was just out of something as well and that a laid back relationship with fun sex sounded good to him. But then two weeks in he's all like I'm not built for FWB, it all feels too empty without the loving and emotional aspect and although he really likes me, he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. So here we are just friends now and I'm on the prowl again for someone to fuck around with and do fun things with. I like sex... but I'm not a fan of the one night stand gambit and I don't really have time for it. I just want someone who is not going to expect more from me because I just can't give it, and will get that everything else in my life is always going to take precedent.
Ugh I really want Lumberjack to change his mind! It felt so perfect... exactly what I was looking for...talking with a few gents from Tinder and OKC (which I need to write an entire entry about the crazy that is OK Cupid... soon...) have a date tomorrow actually... We'll see how those pan out. I think I'm finally embracing being single...
Grad school stuff has taken quite the turn for the exciting, I may get to spend a whole year in the Mediterranean?!?!? AHH! I couldn't be more excited about it honestly. I'm definitely on that better path, there's been some hiccups in 2015 already.. roommate drama per usual...will be moving back in with my parents, but that's definitely a good thing overall.
I just wish my heart would hurry up and stop loving Him...there's no future there. So much of me knows that...but that doesn't seem to help me forget and move on. I'm still longing for him and dreaming of him. I'm still so scared I'm never going to love someone the way I love him, and even though I really don't want the kind of life that would come with him...Even if I had a perfect life, I wouldn't be happy knowing that I'm capable of loving someone that way. I really just need to focus on living in the right now, and controlling what I can. Things with him the moment feel better than they have... we chatted on his birthday and we left it off with "friends in spirit" which made me laugh but also feels accurate, and is comforting. I've never missed someone the way I miss him... I really didn't know how much I loved him and how much space in my head and my heart I'd cut out for him until it all became empty. I re-read our exchanges during the beginning of the end, and I was so much stronger at first, still very logical about it all, and totally in this place of I'll be fine I'll get over this. I do still know that...but I definitely didn't know how hard it was going to be to just sit here and watch myself lose someone that I know I'd do anything for.
I don't think the sadness I feel about this situation will ever leave me... I know it'll get more manageable...but I've never been hurt the way he has hurt me... and I know it's because I never before had let someone see me so fully and unfiltered. Someday I will meet my person...I just need to learn to be patient.
Now that all my pressing deadlines for grad school are wrapped up... things have slowed up again in general. I met someone recently through Tinder that I actually really like, and he was quite the reprieve from my life and really helped me deal with the stress of grad apps. But now we're just friends...which for now is totally fine, but I was definitely bummed about it. We'll call him Lumberjack. Gosh is he an impressive specimen. The man is 6'2" and fit as fuck with this amazing beard! I didn't even know I liked beards. He tosses me around like a doll and jesus h christ is he blessed with a lovely dick. First time I saw it, no lie, the words just flew out of my mouth "It's beautiful, I think I just met my new best friend".
We have amazing chemistry and we can actually hold wonderful conversation together. But I was very upfront about where I'm at in my life and that I've too many things coming up in the near future to be entangled with someone in a serious relationship. He said he was just out of something as well and that a laid back relationship with fun sex sounded good to him. But then two weeks in he's all like I'm not built for FWB, it all feels too empty without the loving and emotional aspect and although he really likes me, he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. So here we are just friends now and I'm on the prowl again for someone to fuck around with and do fun things with. I like sex... but I'm not a fan of the one night stand gambit and I don't really have time for it. I just want someone who is not going to expect more from me because I just can't give it, and will get that everything else in my life is always going to take precedent.
Ugh I really want Lumberjack to change his mind! It felt so perfect... exactly what I was looking for...talking with a few gents from Tinder and OKC (which I need to write an entire entry about the crazy that is OK Cupid... soon...) have a date tomorrow actually... We'll see how those pan out. I think I'm finally embracing being single...
Grad school stuff has taken quite the turn for the exciting, I may get to spend a whole year in the Mediterranean?!?!? AHH! I couldn't be more excited about it honestly. I'm definitely on that better path, there's been some hiccups in 2015 already.. roommate drama per usual...will be moving back in with my parents, but that's definitely a good thing overall.
I just wish my heart would hurry up and stop loving Him...there's no future there. So much of me knows that...but that doesn't seem to help me forget and move on. I'm still longing for him and dreaming of him. I'm still so scared I'm never going to love someone the way I love him, and even though I really don't want the kind of life that would come with him...Even if I had a perfect life, I wouldn't be happy knowing that I'm capable of loving someone that way. I really just need to focus on living in the right now, and controlling what I can. Things with him the moment feel better than they have... we chatted on his birthday and we left it off with "friends in spirit" which made me laugh but also feels accurate, and is comforting. I've never missed someone the way I miss him... I really didn't know how much I loved him and how much space in my head and my heart I'd cut out for him until it all became empty. I re-read our exchanges during the beginning of the end, and I was so much stronger at first, still very logical about it all, and totally in this place of I'll be fine I'll get over this. I do still know that...but I definitely didn't know how hard it was going to be to just sit here and watch myself lose someone that I know I'd do anything for.
I don't think the sadness I feel about this situation will ever leave me... I know it'll get more manageable...but I've never been hurt the way he has hurt me... and I know it's because I never before had let someone see me so fully and unfiltered. Someday I will meet my person...I just need to learn to be patient.
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