Well it has been a while since I've posted anything... Like I said, I don't tend to write as much when I'm happy. The rest of 2014 got pretty hectic with all the holiday shenanigans and grad school stuff. I really do love it when life gets so busy you don't have the time or space to ponder the what ifs, you're way too busy in the now.
Now that all my pressing deadlines for grad school are wrapped up... things have slowed up again in general. I met someone recently through Tinder that I actually really like, and he was quite the reprieve from my life and really helped me deal with the stress of grad apps. But now we're just friends...which for now is totally fine, but I was definitely bummed about it. We'll call him Lumberjack. Gosh is he an impressive specimen. The man is 6'2" and fit as fuck with this amazing beard! I didn't even know I liked beards. He tosses me around like a doll and jesus h christ is he blessed with a lovely dick. First time I saw it, no lie, the words just flew out of my mouth "It's beautiful, I think I just met my new best friend".
We have amazing chemistry and we can actually hold wonderful conversation together. But I was very upfront about where I'm at in my life and that I've too many things coming up in the near future to be entangled with someone in a serious relationship. He said he was just out of something as well and that a laid back relationship with fun sex sounded good to him. But then two weeks in he's all like I'm not built for FWB, it all feels too empty without the loving and emotional aspect and although he really likes me, he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. So here we are just friends now and I'm on the prowl again for someone to fuck around with and do fun things with. I like sex... but I'm not a fan of the one night stand gambit and I don't really have time for it. I just want someone who is not going to expect more from me because I just can't give it, and will get that everything else in my life is always going to take precedent.
Ugh I really want Lumberjack to change his mind! It felt so perfect... exactly what I was looking for...talking with a few gents from Tinder and OKC (which I need to write an entire entry about the crazy that is OK Cupid... soon...) have a date tomorrow actually... We'll see how those pan out. I think I'm finally embracing being single...
Grad school stuff has taken quite the turn for the exciting, I may get to spend a whole year in the Mediterranean?!?!? AHH! I couldn't be more excited about it honestly. I'm definitely on that better path, there's been some hiccups in 2015 already.. roommate drama per usual...will be moving back in with my parents, but that's definitely a good thing overall.
I just wish my heart would hurry up and stop loving Him...there's no future there. So much of me knows that...but that doesn't seem to help me forget and move on. I'm still longing for him and dreaming of him. I'm still so scared I'm never going to love someone the way I love him, and even though I really don't want the kind of life that would come with him...Even if I had a perfect life, I wouldn't be happy knowing that I'm capable of loving someone that way. I really just need to focus on living in the right now, and controlling what I can. Things with him the moment feel better than they have... we chatted on his birthday and we left it off with "friends in spirit" which made me laugh but also feels accurate, and is comforting. I've never missed someone the way I miss him... I really didn't know how much I loved him and how much space in my head and my heart I'd cut out for him until it all became empty. I re-read our exchanges during the beginning of the end, and I was so much stronger at first, still very logical about it all, and totally in this place of I'll be fine I'll get over this. I do still know that...but I definitely didn't know how hard it was going to be to just sit here and watch myself lose someone that I know I'd do anything for.
I don't think the sadness I feel about this situation will ever leave me... I know it'll get more manageable...but I've never been hurt the way he has hurt me... and I know it's because I never before had let someone see me so fully and unfiltered. Someday I will meet my person...I just need to learn to be patient.
