Yesterday I finally got around to binding a file copy of a project that went out the door late night before I went up to Vermont for labor day... it was the last day before we honestly tried to just end everything after things went too far the night before after a softball happy hour. Being down in the repro room took me back to the day everything changed... the day he admitted I was his work crush too, the day I reveled in the way he was watching me while I worked to get a deliverable out the door. I could see his desire all over his face. I knew right then I was in trouble, but the excited giddiness I felt about the whole thing was such a welcomed relief from all the other emotions I'd been feeling the last couple of months, I just couldn't find it in me to keep my honest thoughts to myself and respect that he wasn't available. I knew how much I liked him already, I knew it was never going to be just a physical thing for me, I just never anticipated the reciprocation and that in turn I'd fall hard. I keep going back to the day we played hooky and how amazing it was, and how that small glimpse of what life could potentially be like with him was such a tease. We'd been a part for 7 days and it was quite a passionate reunion, I mean sex three times before noon and then another two later in the afternoon and I have zero doubts that if he'd been able to spend the whole day with me we would have fucked at least one more time maybe more. I have always liked sex, but I can honestly say the way that man can turn me on is unparalleled. There were numerous moments from that day, but I distinctively remember laying on my couch with my legs across his lap while we watched a movie and suddenly he leaned down and just attacked me with quick little kisses and I remember laughing and just thinking how much I loved him and how much I wanted the day to last forever.
I'm still undecided about potentially giving him the opportunity to read this blog... part of me feels like maybe it's a good thing that he doubts I care about him and doubts whether or not he actually knows the kind of person I am. Maybe definitively knowing that he's never coming back to me is the best thing for me. Maybe I should really be focusing on how this thing blowing up is the biggest blessing in disguise because a life with him would never be easy. I would never be a first anything, he would never be 100% mine. Half my friends already think he's a selfish schmuck, I can't imagine people at work wouldn't pass judgement. Being a step parent is fucking hard and dealing with an ex spouse is it's own emotional roller coaster, especially when she clearly already had insecurities in regards to me when we really were nothing more than friends. I'm sure she loathes me, so trying to have a working relationship for the sake of the kids and holidays... yea I'm sure that'll go down real great. Saying yes to that life would mean knowingly taking on the life I grew up with, and of course plenty of people had it way worse than I ever did, but my childhood wasn't easy, and I've seen first hand how hard it was for my step mom. Am I really willing to resign myself to that, when my biggest goal in life since I can remember was escaping the dysfunction of my family? I mean after how quickly he turned on me on Saturday I have serious doubts whether he actually loves me enough for it to be worth it...
Last night I was supposed to carpool with Skater boy to softball but our game got rained out. He asked if I wanted to just hangout and I was like sure I guess so. He used to work at Loyola and was in Baltimore this past weekend and brought back amazing home made crab cakes. So he offered to cook me dinner and hot damn was I impressed. The man can cook. Dinner was awesome. Turns out he cooks the entire Thanksgiving meal for his family every year too. We probably spent like an hour where I just listened and asked questions about everything he makes. I LOVE THANKSGIVING. Hands down favorite holiday. I actually just love fall all around, the colors of the leaves, perfect weather for sweaters and tights, apple picking, pumpkin carving, HALLOWEEN! I seriously get into dressing up, and then top it off with a day where you're allowed to eat as much as you fucking want and even encouraged to gorge yourself while surrounded by family and your favorite people. What more could a gal ask for. But yea he cooked, we ate, conversation flowed fairly easily, I cleaned the dishes, we sat on the couch and just talked about whatever, found out he has SEGA! I lost my shit, it's his brothers and he doesn't really play, and I wasn't about to make him watch me play... but I was close. He had Sonic, Lion King, bunch of Mortal Combats no terminator though...my twin and I loved SEGA. We even had this random duck hunting game too that I loved. Eventually we started making out on the couch, then up to his room...and I ended up spending the night. We didn't have sex, but I have to say there was something really nice about sleeping with someone and not being worried about whether or not I need to get my ass out of there. Skater boy is rough, and I like it. Biting and some scratching, shit was intense. I sense he's into ass slapping too... Sailor was, and I definitely liked it. I think he's going to be the perfect person to play house with when I need to. There really is something quite euphoric about feeling someone's desire for you. At one point I thought that'd we'd gone to sleep for the night, like I was definitely asleep and all of sudden he's on top of me and I'm like woah I thought it was sleep time, you said you were tired, and he was like it's not everyday "this" is in your bed. I loved the way he looked down at me and my bare chest when he said "this".
I started getting back into shape mid summer, and have been good about it since then, but the last two months with my eating habits so hap hazard from a combination of stress and depression, I've lost a lot of weight. My hip bones are back and I can start to see my abs again. It's a satisfying feeling seeing the body I once had come back. I think once it's really back, I'll be more adept at seeing myself the way these men do. When I feel like me again, maybe I can really start loving myself again. I lost myself when I was with the Sailor, and I'd absolutely given up on my life and had gotten to a place where my inner dialogue was, welp I guess this is the life I chose and this is it, better make the most of it. Deciding to come back east and separating myself from my life to allow me to really get a good perspective on it all was the best thing I could have ever done. I love this Fitzgerald quote, "I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you find the strength to start all over again."
I found the strength and I have hit reset, I just need to make sure I don't fucking squander it by continuing to be reckless and impulsive. I signed up for the GRE, I take it on December 3rd! I know where my recommendation letters are coming from and I decided on 5 schools to apply to. In order of my favorites: U of SoCal, MIT, Columbia, Berkeley and UPenn. I've been allowing myself to take part in shady things recently, but I have so much to be proud of and so many good things in my life to focus on, I have to make those things the center. My buddy, who I'll call the Burdman, he sent me this quote "remember the rule: everything starts over at each moment and all that's past is more useless than what is present" and told me I can't change the past, I can't fix things, I fucked up, but now I have to make the right choice in each moment. So cheers to making the right choice in every moment.
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