I ended up emailing him yesterday and just outright apologizing for Saturday but also trying to explain myself. I have no idea when he'll actually see it since he rarely checks that email but I guess when doesn't really matter. I mentioned this blog... sort of left it up to him to decide if he really does want to know the inner workings of my mind...
I've been writing a lot the last few days, my thoughts are so overwhelming right now. I've always written in journals and such when life got too much to handle, I really never tend to keep at it when I'm happy. For whatever reason though I always write as if someone may find it someday years in the future... I found one from early high school when I was moving into the townhouse. It's always weird to re-read your own thoughts but also therapeutic.
I just found out I have to come to the office after my softball game today... San Diego project.. ugh that is going to blow... it's also super fucking cold out tonight.
Tomorrow I'm going to be out in the field and then there's a happy hour to help fund raise money for our Movember efforts at work... gotta make sure I bring an outfit to change into...I don't know if he is going yet, he's on our team, his stache is definitely the best out of everyone participating. I hope he hasn't written me off entirely...but I still don't know if it's a good idea for him to read all of this... I think I worry the most about him knowing the shit I've been doing with other dudes. I still really have no idea what he was doing with his wife during our "relationship" I tried not to think about it... still don't want to think about it. I had been just chatting with a few dudes when he and I started, but after that Saturday lunch date and how awful I felt when I had to tell him about the random dude that had just been in my home... I stopped talking to all of them. I hadn't even wanted to start talking to people again when everything imploded but then he talked about this weekend getaway he was having with his wife over Columbus Day and I decided there's no reason for me to be alone if I don't want to be. So I met up with the Actor that Sunday and that was the beginning of me putting myself back out there. Last week was overwhelming though, I've taken the approach of least amount of effort on my part, I don't initiate shit just wait for them to contact me, but last week seeing almost all of them, like geez. I think it's good that I shut down Pharm Guy, I don't really see things progressing with Dish man, Painter was quiet this weekend... Skater boy wanted to carpool to softball tonight but I declined. I thought it'd be rude to show up with him when I told Pharm Guy that I basically wasn't ready to be dating...
Honestly that is the truth, I'm not ready for real dating, like dating with the intention of finding someone. I like Skater boy, and I think we're going to have a lot of fun with each other but he is so not what I'm looking for. For one thing I have no desire to blow him... yea that sounds crass but it's sort of a litmus test for me. To me, oral sex is way more intimate than just fucking. Fucking is a joint activity and you both can get off...Whereas with oral, it's a lot of fucking work and you are doing it purely for the pleasure of that other person. So to be honest I have to really like you to actually want to do that. Not that I probably wont eventually do it just because I don't like the idea of not reciprocating, but there's a big difference when I actually desire to do that, just because I want to. I knew shit was doomed with Sailor and I when I stopped wanting to... I'd avoid it at all costs, I'd even stop him from going down on me because I didn't want to have to reciprocate.
That relationship just got so fucked in the end...near the end I would always end up crying during sex and I know he always thought it was because he was leaving soon or something and that it was like out of love or whatever but it was usually because he had manipulated me into having sex in the first place and I was just disgusted with my life or halfway through I could recognize I didn't love him the way I used to. Being in love with the Sailor feels like such a lifetime ago now...I wonder how long it'll take for it to feel that way with him.
Lately he was always saying things like in reality we should have never found out about us and our compatibility... but that's not reality...that's more like a world where everyone always makes the morally correct choice. This is reality...where we each followed our wants and desires as humans are wanton to do. I wish we had just met sooner... I feel like we were supposed to but things got in the way. With or without Sailor, I was always on a path to be working for this company because that all happened because of my dad. My first time in this office was August of 2010, and I spent my winter break here senior year. I still don't know why it took so long for me to start playing softball... I wonder if I had ended things with Sailor and called off the engagement my senior year like I absolutely should have if I would have been more inclined to meet people at work and get involved. It's pointless to follow the black hole of what ifs but it's so hard not to when it feels like we would have always connected the way that we do, that our situations just intensified everything, they didn't create anything.
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