I just can't stand the idea that he doubts how I feel about him... I know what I did on Saturday was a shitty thing to do... but misery loves company and dealing with this whole situation has been awful. I have always dealt with things by using distractions... the philosophy of fake it until you make it...Sometimes you just want to be ok and past a situation so badly that you just act like you are... but in reality all the shit is still there and just beneath the surface and it really doesn't take much for it to bubble over.
He has told me a few times that I need help... to get help... and I've used therapy my whole life and it is beneficial, but my self worth issues that stem from my dad and step father, my first love, and the Sailor...no one can help me with that. It's an issue that only I can over come, and it won't happen until I start loving myself. Everything with him has definitely just compounded all of it, and it was a such a self destructive thing to allow myself to enter into a situation where I knew the outcome would not be in my favor. Honestly a lot of the shit I've been doing to myself, if I'd done that to a friend, they'd absolutely not be my friend anymore... I've been an asshole.
I decided to totally shut down the Pharm guy... there was just way too much potential of hurting him, and getting into another drama filled situation like the wedding because of his relation to Him...I told Pharm guy that I'm a mess and he should keep his distance. He replied with "I'll take a guess that is has to do with your past relationship. I understand. You're def a catch. So if you are looking to hang out sometime let me know. Until then...we're friendly teammates." Hah if only he knew which past relationship it was...ugh. I told him I really appreciated it and left it at that.
Friday night with the Dish man was actually a lot of fun, he took me out in northern liberties and we got awesome tacos, then went to the barcade and I totally impressed him with my gamerrr skillz and ended it at Frankford Hall where I ate an entire smores pretzel by myself. Not ashamed, not even a little. I fucking love food. Then he came back to the townhouse where I'd already said he could crash on the couch since he was coaching soccer early in the morning in Manayunk and currently with his divorce situation he's living with his folks in Shillington. When we got back though my roommates were up and had some people over and we ended up smoking cigars and a bit of weed, drinking a ton and playing cards and rocking out to good tunes until like 4 in the morning. It really was a fun night, but I was sooo hungover the next day. But that was like the third time he and I have hungout and still he hasn't even tried to like touch me...and then he finally friended me on facebook yesterday and in stalking him I realized he's a lot fresher out of his marriage then he initially let me believe. Like there's posts of him with his wife from the end of September where shit still seems fine. He's definitely really bitter about all of it too... I have a feeling we're just going to be flirty friends that can commiserate about divorce. To be honest, I think that's actually what I want it to be anyways.
The date with Skater boy on Thursday was actually pretty fantastic. Because I'd already hung out with Pharm guy on Monday, I thought it was prudent to let Skater boy know that before we went out. I basically told him that I don't like leading people on but I also don't think it matters what you do in your free time unless things shift past more than just dating and hanging out, but that I wanted him to know that Pharm guy had beaten him to the punch. Of course he was weirded out by it, which I figured, and he almost called off the date. I told him that it wasn't weird for me because I just hit reset and I'm just trying to see everything that's out there, and I don't see the point in not being open to all opportunities. That you date someone to get to know them and then you decide if you want to keep getting to know them more and you don't want anyone else getting to know them. I basically ended the convo with saying either you want to get to know me better or you don't, that external factors shouldn't matter and that I'm not a piece of property and "dibs" isn't a real thing. Obvi he said he wanted to get to know me better and he took me out to this awesome cuban place downtown. It was really nice to get to know him better and we had a lot to talk about. He's really silly and made me laugh a lot which I definitely need. He even took a girl for ice cream afterwards so huuuge points for that. I was totally honest with him about my plans to go back to school full time that I had no idea how much longer I was in the area for. We talked a bit about our past relationships, he just got out of a 4 year thing in May. It seemed like we were both on the same page with we're just getting out into the singles world and not looking for something serious. He kissed me in his car in the lot of my complex and it was the first time I felt a tinge of hope that I may be able to get over him. I'm definitely interested in continuing to see the Skater boy, but I already know that there's no future there. I will need to be mindful of whether it seems like he sees potential with us or if he stays true to what he said and it would just be two people who enjoy each others company and hang out as much or as little as we feel like, no strings attached.
Where things stand with him... I really just don't know, the things he said about me Saturday night... it's like he has forgotten that he knows me better than anyone and like I have no right to be upset and quick to anger about this whole situation. I want to remind him that he does know me...that everything on Saturday was purely an emotional reaction and not some cold hearted calculated thing. There's a part of me that almost wants to let him read this blog. I initially had it open to the public when I thought it was mostly going to be a sexual escapades sort of blog... hence gem of the night, playing off lady of the night and the idea that each entry would end with my favorite thing whatever dude it was said that night, i.e. look at you ride that cock (seriously the shit I've heard is hilarious). But it quickly morphed into a place for me to deal with the emotions of losing him, so I made it private. I want him to know exactly what I've been going through... but I also don't necessarily want him knowing everything that I've been up to. I think some of it might hurt him... or cause him to think less of me... but I guess after Saturday that's a moot point. I feel like a cornerstone of everything he and I were, was how unadulterated and honest we were with each other about who we were and our feelings about everything. If he ever were to actually choose me, I would want to be certain that he knew exactly who I am.
I guess what I'm saying is there really anything at all to lose by allowing him to read all this? Would that be a brilliant way to ensure that he knew how genuine I am about my feelings for him, or is it a hell no worst idea ever you're a desperate and lonely woman.
Definitely best to think about this one for a while... falls in line with one of my self improvement goals...stop being impulsive... I should just plop all those goals in here as a reminder...
Self-improvement list:
- get better at exercising self-control
- get better at separating emotional reactions from appropriate reactions
- take the time to actually think things through, being impulsive is not your friend right now
- stop allowing more stress and anxiety into your life
- stop replacing one problem with another
- stop allowing men to validate your self-worth
- start loving yourself, you're kind of awesome
- less is more
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