What do I want?

He didn't end up coming to the happy hour thing for work, but we talked for a bit anyways that day because I needed to give him the softball bats back. We briefly talked about the Saturday debacle, I told him about the email I'd sent him and then I left for the happy hour. I texted him while there saying he should have come that it was a great turnout. He told me earlier he had to work late, he texted back asking if he bought a six pack would I drink it with him, that he wanted to talk about things.

I ended up going back to the office a little before 9 and we hung out and talked until like 2:30 in the morning. I don't think either of us wanted the evening to be over... I miss him so much. We didn't do anything, we were close near the end of the night... I was ready for it, I wanted him so badly, but for once we did the right thing. 

He's so conflicted and it pains me to see him that way. I asked him what he wanted and he basically said he wants me to be over him so he doesn't have to feel bad but he also doesn't want me to forget about him so that if he ends up single again it wouldn't be that hard to convince me to be with him. He then readily admitted how selfish that all is and I agreed. He asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted him. And then he talked about all the baggage that he would come with and I said that I feel something strong enough and real enough that it's worth taking that on just to get the opportunity to see us through. He was like but think of that from my perspective, and I was like I know it's a huge risk. I asked him what was his biggest fear about choosing me. He said that if we realize we're not right for each other I'll think the life I had with my wife wasn't all that bad. At one point I said I don't know his wife I can't make any kind of judgements about her, but does he think that they can reach the kind of compatibility he and I have. And he was like define compatibility. I said the propensity to be able to be on the same page. He said he thought they did, but that he and I definitely have a lot more in common. I brought up how it's hard to compare all of this when he has known her for years and he and I were just getting to know each other. He also has doubts about my credibility due to all the ridiculous shit I've been doing the last few months. 

A life with him is not ideal, it would be hard, and I feel like him choosing to work on his marriage should be a relief for me, it's my exit out of this situation. Of course it was always going to hurt to say goodbye and to not be his choice...but it feels like so much more than that. I cannot get over how strongly I feel that we were supposed to have met and that we always would have become more. I said maybe this is exactly how it was supposed to happen so that we would appreciate each other. 

When I first met Sailor and we were on our first date, I remember having a fleeting thought that I could see myself marrying this man. I saw the potential he and I had right away, but with the Sailor I was always trying to impress him, to be who I thought he wanted me to be. I loved how much he loved me, I loved the security of knowing that I could do anything and he'd never leave me. And although he always said all the nice and lovely things, his actions and the way he treated me never made me feel any of those things. 

When I'm with him though, I've never felt more like myself. He alluded to having a similar feeling but that he wasn't sure if I brought that out of him or if as a 30 year old man he's just more comfortable in his own skin. I'm sure being older is part of it, but I wonder if the way he feels around me... If he feels that way around his wife. If it is purely related to his level of acceptance with himself, then he should feel that comfortable with her as well. 

I know I don't know him well enough to really know if we would work out, and I know I'm going to be a lot more diligent before I consider marrying someone again. I understand why I'm such a scary option but I also feel like regardless of if we are right for each other, if we went through with this and gave ourselves the opportunity to see what we could actually be out in the real world, I think it would prove to us both how much more there is to life. That even if we didn't work out, we wouldn't regret it because it would be so clear the lives we had before were shells compared to what it can be. 

The baggage he would come with is a lot, and I don't take it lightly, but I also feel like my life has groomed me to be capable of handling it, I even said as much to him as we were watching a leaf dance in the wind in the parking lot. He mentions those hardships like they should change my feelings. They will absolutely complicate life, but they could never detract from who he is and what he means to me. 

Would I be ready for all of it right now?  No, definitely not. I want to go back to school full time to get my masters and hopefully that journey will begin next fall. Only one school is in this area and it'll be a two year thing. I know I'm not ready to be a parent yet and put another beings needs in front of my own. Ideally I think I want the freedom to go and accomplish some of the dreams I neglected because of the Sailor. I want him to take the time to really evaluate why he wants to work on his marriage and if it's really a relationship that he could find happiness in. If he realizes that it's not, I want him to actively choose me, I fear that if he just holds out until she gives up and wants to leave that I'll feel like I'm just the back up option. I don't know if that's something I'd be able to get over...and adding that to the pestering thought that if in the future we weren't happy he'd do to me what he did to his wife...both of those doubts together would lead to resentment. 

If he decides that I'm worth the risk, that he can see that the life we could have together is what he wants, I'd want him to tell me, but I don't think I'd want him to necessarily do anything about it right away. If he's going to choose me and have to deal with all the consequences of that choice, I would never want him to have to do that alone. Divorce, even when it's you that wants it, is heartbreaking. The world you've known is gone and the sense of loss is overwhelming. I felt so aimless and lost and so unsure about my future until he and I started. I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been to go through the beginnings of my own, if I hadn't had him. With my immediate plans for my own future, I would not be able to be here for him. I hate that right now I can't be there for him even as his friend. I guess I'm saying I wouldn't want him to really make a decision and move forward until I'm back in this area...

Two years of limbo though sounds sort of dreadful, I just know that I cannot back down from my dreams again. That even if he chose me tomorrow, I would not decide to just stay. But I know me leaving would lead to resentment...but staying would lead to resentment on my part. He said on Thursday night that either way he's fucked and it's probably the biggest decision he'll ever make... He's right, both paths have their downfalls and both are going to be immediately hard. But we have to look at what the eventual reward would be once the shit storms are over. That after the first few years dealing with the divorce and figuring out how that's all going to work, me possibly not even being around because of school, lots of emotions, lots of drama, but none of that would last. At the end of that we would be together, and I really don't see us not working out. There's a phrasing that his dad used that I totally understand, this totally overwhelming feeling of needing to share life with him, it just doesn't feel like that would ever just go away. 

When you decide you want to spend your life with someone you're saying that's the face I want to wake up to everyday, those are the eyes I want to lose myself in, that is the smile I want to make my heart swell, those are the hands I want to comfort me, that is the laugh I want to hear when I need it most, that is the mind I want to try my best to understand, that is the soul I want to create new life with. You are picking someone to share the burdens and joys with. You have to adore them so that when they eventually annoy you, all they have to do is smile and the annoyance is gone. You have to be able to have fun with them or else the hardships of life will become what's front and center. You have to be able to be unapologetically yourself when you're with them because across a lifetime together, it's impossible to always be what you think they want. 

I feel like I could very easily have all of that with him, and not getting the opportunity to find that out is what I think kills me the most.

What Ifs...

I ended up emailing him yesterday and just outright apologizing for Saturday but also trying to explain myself. I have no idea when he'll actually see it since he rarely checks that email but I guess when doesn't really matter. I mentioned this blog... sort of left it up to him to decide if he really does want to know the inner workings of my mind...

I've been writing a lot the last few days, my thoughts are so overwhelming right now. I've always written in journals and such when life got too much to handle, I really never tend to keep at it when I'm happy. For whatever reason though I always write as if someone may find it someday years in the future... I found one from early high school when I was moving into the townhouse. It's always weird to re-read your own thoughts but also therapeutic.

I just found out I have to come to the office after my softball game today... San Diego project.. ugh that is going to blow... it's also super fucking cold out tonight.

Tomorrow I'm going to be out in the field and then there's a happy hour to help fund raise money for our Movember efforts at work... gotta make sure I bring an outfit to change into...I don't know if he is going yet, he's on our team, his stache is definitely the best out of everyone participating. I hope he hasn't written me off entirely...but I still don't know if it's a good idea for him to read all of this... I think I worry the most about him knowing the shit I've been doing with other dudes. I still really have no idea what he was doing with his wife during our "relationship" I tried not to think about it... still don't want to think about it. I had been just chatting with a few dudes when he and I started, but after that Saturday lunch date and how awful I felt when I had to tell him about the random dude that had just been in my home... I stopped talking to all of them. I hadn't even wanted to start talking to people again when everything imploded but then he talked about this weekend getaway he was having with his wife over Columbus Day and I decided there's no reason for me to be alone if I don't want to be. So I met up with the Actor that Sunday and that was the beginning of me putting myself back out there. Last week was overwhelming though, I've taken the approach of least amount of effort on my part, I don't initiate shit just wait for them to contact me, but last week seeing almost all of them, like geez. I think it's good that I shut down Pharm Guy, I don't really see things progressing with Dish man, Painter was quiet this weekend... Skater boy wanted to carpool to softball tonight but I declined. I thought it'd be rude to show up with him when I told Pharm Guy that I basically wasn't ready to be dating...

Honestly that is the truth, I'm not ready for real dating, like dating with the intention of finding someone. I like Skater boy, and I think we're going to have a lot of fun with each other but he is so not what I'm looking for. For one thing I have no desire to blow him... yea that sounds crass but it's sort of a litmus test for me. To me, oral sex is way more intimate than just fucking. Fucking is a joint activity and you both can get off...Whereas with oral, it's a lot of fucking work and you are doing it purely for the pleasure of that other person. So to be honest I have to really like you to actually want to do that. Not that I probably wont eventually do it just because I don't like the idea of not reciprocating, but there's a big difference when I actually desire to do that, just because I want to. I knew shit was doomed with Sailor and I when I stopped wanting to... I'd avoid it at all costs, I'd even stop him from going down on me because I didn't want to have to reciprocate.

That relationship just got so fucked in the end...near the end I would always end up crying during sex and I know he always thought it was because he was leaving soon or something and that it was like out of love or whatever but it was usually because he had manipulated me into having sex in the first place and I was just disgusted with my life or halfway through I could recognize I didn't love him the way I used to. Being in love with the Sailor feels like such a lifetime ago now...I wonder how long it'll take for it to feel that way with him.

Lately he was always saying things like in reality we should have never found out about us and our compatibility... but that's not reality...that's more like a world where everyone always makes the morally correct choice. This is reality...where we each followed our wants and desires as humans are wanton to do. I wish we had just met sooner... I feel like we were supposed to but things got in the way. With or without Sailor, I was always on a path to be working for this company because that all happened because of my dad. My first time in this office was August of 2010, and I spent my winter break here senior year. I still don't know why it took so long for me to start playing softball... I wonder if I had ended things with Sailor and called off the engagement my senior year like I absolutely should have if I would have been more inclined to meet people at work and get involved. It's pointless to follow the black hole of what ifs but it's so hard not to when it feels like we would have always connected the way that we do, that our situations just intensified everything, they didn't create anything.

The Winner Is...

Yesterday I finally got around to binding a file copy of a project that went out the door late night before I went up to Vermont for labor day... it was the last day before we honestly tried to just end everything after things went too far the night before after a softball happy hour. Being down in the repro room took me back to the day everything changed... the day he admitted I was his work crush too, the day I reveled in the way he was watching me while I worked to get a deliverable out the door. I could see his desire all over his face. I knew right then I was in trouble, but the excited giddiness I felt about the whole thing was such a welcomed relief from all the other emotions I'd been feeling the last couple of months, I just couldn't find it in me to keep my honest thoughts to myself and respect that he wasn't available. I knew how much I liked him already, I knew it was never going to be just a physical thing for me, I just never anticipated the reciprocation and that in turn I'd fall hard. I keep going back to the day we played hooky and how amazing it was, and how that small glimpse of what life could potentially be like with him was such a tease. We'd been a part for 7 days and it was quite a passionate reunion, I mean sex three times before noon and then another two later in the afternoon and I have zero doubts that if he'd been able to spend the whole day with me we would have fucked at least one more time maybe more. I have always liked sex, but I can honestly say the way that man can turn me on is unparalleled. There were numerous moments from that day, but I distinctively remember laying on my couch with my legs across his lap while we watched a movie and suddenly he leaned down and just attacked me with quick little kisses and I remember laughing and just thinking how much I loved him and how much I wanted the day to last forever.

I'm still undecided about potentially giving him the opportunity to read this blog... part of me feels like maybe it's a good thing that he doubts I care about him and doubts whether or not he actually knows the kind of person I am. Maybe definitively knowing that he's never coming back to me is the best thing for me. Maybe I should really be focusing on how this thing blowing up is the biggest blessing in disguise because a life with him would never be easy. I would never be a first anything, he would never be 100% mine. Half my friends already think he's a selfish schmuck, I can't imagine people at work wouldn't pass judgement. Being a step parent is fucking hard and dealing with an ex spouse is it's own emotional roller coaster, especially when she clearly already had insecurities in regards to me when we really were nothing more than friends. I'm sure she loathes me, so trying to have a working relationship for the sake of the kids and holidays... yea I'm sure that'll go down real great. Saying yes to that life would mean knowingly taking on the life I grew up with, and of course plenty of people had it way worse than I ever did, but my childhood wasn't easy, and I've seen first hand how hard it was for my step mom. Am I really willing to resign myself to that, when my biggest goal in life since I can remember was escaping the dysfunction of my family? I mean after how quickly he turned on me on Saturday I have serious doubts whether he actually loves me enough for it to be worth it...  

Last night I was supposed to carpool with Skater boy to softball but our game got rained out. He asked if I wanted to just hangout and I was like sure I guess so. He used to work at Loyola and was in Baltimore this past weekend and brought back amazing home made crab cakes. So he offered to cook me dinner and hot damn was I impressed. The man can cook. Dinner was awesome. Turns out he cooks the entire Thanksgiving meal for his family every year too. We probably spent like an hour where I just listened and asked questions about everything he makes. I LOVE THANKSGIVING. Hands down favorite holiday. I actually just love fall all around, the colors of the leaves, perfect weather for sweaters and tights, apple picking, pumpkin carving, HALLOWEEN! I seriously get into dressing up, and then top it off with a day where you're allowed to eat as much as you fucking want and even encouraged to gorge yourself while surrounded by family and your favorite people. What more could a gal ask for.  But yea he cooked, we ate, conversation flowed fairly easily, I cleaned the dishes, we sat on the couch and just talked about whatever, found out he has SEGA! I lost my shit, it's his brothers and he doesn't really play, and I wasn't about to make him watch me play... but I was close. He had Sonic, Lion King, bunch of Mortal Combats no terminator though...my twin and I loved SEGA. We even had this random duck hunting game too that I loved. Eventually we started making out on the couch, then up to his room...and I ended up spending the night. We didn't have sex, but I have to say there was something really nice about sleeping with someone and not being worried about whether or not I need to get my ass out of there. Skater boy is rough, and I like it. Biting and some scratching, shit was intense. I sense he's into ass slapping too... Sailor was, and I definitely liked it. I think he's going to be the perfect person to play house with when I need to. There really is something quite euphoric about feeling someone's desire for you. At one point I thought that'd we'd gone to sleep for the night, like I was definitely asleep and all of sudden he's on top of me and I'm like woah I thought it was sleep time, you said you were tired, and he was like it's not everyday "this" is in your bed. I loved the way he looked down at me and my bare chest when he said "this".

I started getting back into shape mid summer, and have been good about it since then, but the last two months with my eating habits so hap hazard from a combination of stress and depression, I've lost a lot of weight. My hip bones are back and I can start to see my abs again. It's a satisfying feeling seeing the body I once had come back. I think once it's really back, I'll be more adept at seeing myself the way these men do. When I feel like me again, maybe I can really start loving myself again. I lost myself when I was with the Sailor, and I'd absolutely given up on my life and had gotten to a place where my inner dialogue was, welp I guess this is the life I chose and this is it, better make the most of it. Deciding to come back east and separating myself from my life to allow me to really get a good perspective on it all was the best thing I could have ever done. I love this Fitzgerald quote, "I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you find the strength to start all over again."

I found the strength and I have hit reset, I just need to make sure I don't fucking squander it by continuing to be reckless and impulsive. I signed up for the GRE, I take it on December 3rd! I know where my recommendation letters are coming from and I decided on 5 schools to apply to. In order of my favorites: U of SoCal, MIT, Columbia, Berkeley and UPenn. I've been allowing myself to take part in shady things recently, but I have so much to be proud of and so many good things in my life to focus on, I have to make those things the center. My buddy, who I'll call the Burdman, he sent me this quote "remember the rule: everything starts over at each moment and all that's past is more useless than what is present" and told me I can't change the past, I can't fix things, I fucked up, but now I have to make the right choice in each moment.  So cheers to making the right choice in every moment.

Brilliant or Hell no...

So even though I tried to curb off the desire to want to write while at work by staying up entirely too late last night... here I am anyways.

I just can't stand the idea that he doubts how I feel about him... I know what I did on Saturday was a shitty thing to do... but misery loves company and dealing with this whole situation has been awful. I have always dealt with things by using distractions... the philosophy of fake it until you make it...Sometimes you just want to be ok and past a situation so badly that you just act like you are... but in reality all the shit is still there and just beneath the surface and it really doesn't take much for it to bubble over.

He has told me a few times that I need help... to get help... and I've used therapy my whole life and it is beneficial, but my self worth issues that stem from my dad and step father, my first love, and the Sailor...no one can help me with that. It's an issue that only I can over come, and it won't happen until I start loving myself. Everything with him has definitely just compounded all of it, and it was a such a self destructive thing to allow myself to enter into a situation where I knew the outcome would not be in my favor. Honestly a lot of the shit I've been doing to myself, if I'd done that to a friend, they'd absolutely not be my friend anymore... I've been an asshole.

I decided to totally shut down the Pharm guy... there was just way too much potential of hurting him, and getting into another drama filled situation like the wedding because of his relation to Him...I told Pharm guy that I'm a mess and he should keep his distance. He replied with  "I'll take a guess that is has to do with your past relationship. I understand.   You're def a catch. So if you are looking to hang out sometime let me know. Until then...we're friendly teammates." Hah if only he knew which past relationship it was...ugh. I told him I really appreciated it and left it at that. 

Friday night with the Dish man was actually a lot of fun, he took me out in northern liberties and we got awesome tacos, then went to the barcade and I totally impressed him with my gamerrr skillz and ended it at Frankford Hall where I ate an entire smores pretzel by myself. Not ashamed, not even a little. I fucking love food. Then he came back to the townhouse where I'd already said he could crash on the couch since he was coaching soccer early in the morning in Manayunk and currently with his divorce situation he's living with his folks in Shillington. When we got back though my roommates were up and had some people over and we ended up smoking cigars and a bit of weed, drinking a ton and playing cards and rocking out to good tunes until like 4 in the morning. It really was a fun night, but I was sooo hungover the next day. But that was like the third time he and I have hungout and still he hasn't even tried to like touch me...and then he finally friended me on facebook yesterday and in stalking him I realized he's a lot fresher out of his marriage then he initially let me believe. Like there's posts of him with his wife from the end of September where shit still seems fine. He's definitely really bitter about all of it too... I have a feeling we're just going to be flirty friends that can commiserate about divorce. To be honest, I think that's actually what I want it to be anyways.

The date with Skater boy on Thursday was actually pretty fantastic. Because I'd already hung out with Pharm guy on Monday, I thought it was prudent to let Skater boy know that before we went out. I basically told him that I don't like leading people on but I also don't think it matters what you do in your free time unless things shift past more than just dating and hanging out, but that I wanted him to know that Pharm guy had beaten him to the punch. Of course he was weirded out by it, which I figured, and he almost called off the date. I told him that it wasn't weird for me because I just hit reset and I'm just trying to see everything that's out there, and I don't see the point in not being open to all opportunities. That you date someone to get to know them and then you decide if you want to keep getting to know them more and you don't want anyone else getting to know them. I basically ended the convo with saying either you want to get to know me better or you don't, that external factors shouldn't matter and that I'm not a piece of property and "dibs" isn't a real thing. Obvi he said he wanted to get to know me better and he took me out to this awesome cuban place downtown. It was really nice to get to know him better and we had a lot to talk about. He's really silly and made me laugh a lot which I definitely need. He even took a girl for ice cream afterwards so huuuge points for that. I was totally honest with him about my plans to go back to school full time that I had no idea how much longer I was in the area for. We talked a bit about our past relationships, he just got out of a 4 year thing in May. It seemed like we were both on the same page with we're just getting out into the singles world and not looking for something serious. He kissed me in his car in the lot of my complex and it was the first time I felt a tinge of hope that I may be able to get over him. I'm definitely interested in continuing to see the Skater boy, but I already know that there's no future there. I will need to be mindful of whether it seems like he sees potential with us or if he stays true to what he said and it would just be two people who enjoy each others company and hang out as much or as little as we feel like, no strings attached.

Where things stand with him... I really just don't know, the things he said about me Saturday night... it's like he has forgotten that he knows me better than anyone and like I have no right to be upset and quick to anger about this whole situation. I want to remind him that he does know me...that everything on Saturday was purely an emotional reaction and not some cold hearted calculated thing. There's a part of me that almost wants to let him read this blog. I initially had it open to the public when I thought it was mostly going to be a sexual escapades sort of blog... hence gem of the night, playing off lady of the night and the idea that each entry would end with my favorite thing whatever dude it was said that night, i.e. look at you ride that cock (seriously the shit I've heard is hilarious). But it quickly morphed into a place for me to deal with the emotions of losing him, so I made it private. I want him to know exactly what I've been going through... but I also don't necessarily want him knowing everything that I've been up to. I think some of it might hurt him... or cause him to think less of me... but I guess after Saturday that's a moot point. I feel like a cornerstone of everything he and I were, was how unadulterated and honest we were with each other about who we were and our feelings about everything. If he ever were to actually choose me, I would want to be certain that he knew exactly who I am.

I guess what I'm saying is there really anything at all to lose by allowing him to read all this? Would that be a brilliant way to ensure that he knew how genuine I am about my feelings for him, or is it a hell no worst idea ever you're a desperate and lonely woman.

Definitely best to think about this one for a while... falls in line with one of my self improvement goals...stop being impulsive... I should just plop all those goals in here as a reminder...

Self-improvement list:

• get better at exercising self-control
• get better at separating emotional reactions from appropriate reactions
• take the time to actually think things through, being impulsive is not your friend right now
• stop allowing more stress and anxiety into your life
• stop replacing one problem with another
• stop allowing men to validate your self-worth
• start loving yourself, you're kind of awesome
• less is more

Danger in Distractions

I should absolutely be sleeping right now, but if I don't get these thoughts out now, I won't be able to sleep anyways and then I'll want to write them while at work which I really shouldn't do. 

Life pretty much imploded in my face on Saturday... Pharm guy was really pushing for me to crash this wedding and I was definitely playing along even though I knew there was no way I could go, nor would have really wanted to with him and his wife there. Like why would I want to see first hand the life I want with him but will never have. The idea of crashing a wedding was appealing and it definitely bothered me knowing that I had to restrict myself because of him, but honestly I don't need more drama, I need less. 

Well he got wind of me potentially crashing and texted me. I initially was just giving him a hard time but he reacted so combatively. He was just mean and hurtful so readily it made me snap and this entirely vindictive side came out. I feel like I've been relatively level headed and understanding throughout this whole mess aside for a few times where I made clear my honest feelings about how I want him to choose me... But for the most part I've been totally amenable even though I could absolutely blow up his world. The wife has no idea about how far things went, but she does know it's me...a part of me wishes she knew because I feel like if she did, she'd leave his ass.

But needless to say the text convo between us quickly escalated into really lousy things being said and me absolutely letting him sweat it out thinking that I might just show up. I was getting ready to meet up with frisbee people but then ended up getting dressed to actually crash the wedding, I was that angry and ready to bring hell into his life.  Telling me I'm a lousy person and that his wife would punch me. I'd like to see her fucking try, I've been itching to actually fight someone for like ever. I fucking hate that she knows it's me though. He was uncomfortable for a night, I'm uncomfortable all the time. I don't know her, or what friends she has told or not told... There's a part of me that constantly worries she's gonna crack and just show up at the office one day and just wreck my world. By telling her, he made me a target and who knows what kind of consequences lay ahead of me because of that. Clearly one such consequence is making sure I don't knowingly cross paths with her...So much of me hated that I was apparently supposed to respect his marriage even though he hadn't.

But then as I was brushing my hair this St. Vincent song he had put on a mix for me started playing by absolute chance and it totally brought me out of the haze of anger.  I immediately texted Pharm guy and just said something had come up that I was in a weird mood and wasn't up for wedding festivities. 

I let him stew for a while longer before I definitively let him know I wasn't going to show up... And then I just cried on my bed for a while because it was just so clear that as soon as I was a problem for him, I didn't mean anything to him, to use his own phrasing I was less than dirt.

The next morning I texted him to basically acknowledge that I hadn't initially planned on really going but that his reaction provoked me but that it was a good thing to know how little he thought of me, that now I can close the door and just focus on moving on. And even then he was still on the attack and purposefully saying hurtful things. 

He even insinuated that my feelings for him weren't genuine, that I was only in it for the attention. Yes, that's absolutely how things started but my god if that was what it was about why in the world would I still be holding on to him?! There is literally nothing appealing about the situation. A future with him would be so hard and a constant up hill battle. 

I guess the convo eventually ended on a somewhat light hearted note but I honestly have no idea where things stand at this point. 

The Struggle Is Real...

My ability to focus is total shit... like it's been sort of shitty for the last few months anyways cuz life has been an asshole in general... but then everything started spiraling out of control with him... and all I wanted to do was spend time with him...I was more than unproductive at work it was definitely becoming a problem.

Now I no longer have him actually distracting me at work through the communicator where we would just talk about anything and everything.... or asking me to go for a walk, or to get lunch, or meet up at one of our parks, or hang out after work for a bit... but I'm still distracted, still not focused. Because I constantly miss him and I'd much rather re-read old conversations and try to relive some of our moments then actively participate in whatever is going on.

It's been difficult to get up in the mornings... which has been an issue for me like always... mornings are probably the closest thing I have to  nemesis. But lately it's because I just want to keep dreaming, because in my dreams it's not over. In my dreams he's mine.

I really need to just focus on reality though. The reality that he didn't choose me and most likely he never will. Just typing that gave me the chills and causes all of me to ache. I have to squash these hopes that I'm the end goal or else I won't be able to move on or forward.

I'm dating... I'm meeting people and going out, but I'm still just thinking about him. I had a date-ish sort of thing for the Eagles game on Monday with a guy from softball, we'll call him the Pharm guy. I may see Pharm guy again on Saturday night...might crash a wedding.. that could be fun. But there's the potential for him to be there.. with the wife at this wedding... and that would be fucking dreadful... but also I kinda want him to see me dancing with some other dude and laughing and potentially making out...

I have another date tomorrow with another softball guy... who is like the exact opposite of Pharm guy...he has longer blond hair, dips, and has an earring...but fit as hell and a great face. I think I'll refer to him as Skater boy...and I have a night out planned for Friday with a guy who works in the cafe in the lobby of my building...we'll call him Dish man.

So there's quite a few players right now... all with varying levels of interest:

Sailor - my soon to be ex husband.
Mountain Man - hunky smart guy I met at the end of college that I should have called my engagement off for and pursued...
Him - love of my life, most unavailable person ever cuz he's married with children.
Actor - tinder dude that has also become a friend, we flirt and make each other laugh.
Painter - tinder dude that has become a fuck buddy. doesn't seem like he wants more which is cool with me.
Dish man - in the middle of getting divorced as well, he's a writer at heart, definitely interesting, not quite sure where it's headed but he makes me laugh and compliments me. He's a good distraction when being at work gets too hard.
Pharm guy - sweet and shy clean cut guy from softball, need to avoid breaking his heart...looks like a possibility, good friends with a guy that grew up with Him... so that could be awkward.
Skater boy - definitely getting the bad ass vibe from this one and he absolutely knows he's attractive. He asked me out via email which is adorable. Looking forward to actually getting to know him.

Damn! That's 8 men... well Sailor is not a contender anymore... but not out of my life yet...Mountain Man... I think I fucked that one up permanently. Him... I don't know, I think I did all that I could to show him how serious I am about being with him, that potential someday is entirely up to him... it's out of my hands and the sooner I'm come to terms with that, the better. Actor... he doesn't live in the area, the night we met up was very soon after things imploded with Him so it was very much just a needed distraction, but he told me my breasts are pure perfection so that was awesome. So I guess that really leaves only 4 active contenders. Perhaps I'll have the perfect rotation of fuck buddies and gents to take me out on the town?

I've never actually dated before, so I really don't know how much of what I'm doing I'm suppose to disclose to each of these dudes. Painter doesn't really seem to give a fuck, which is exactly what I'm looking for but last Friday when we met up he got a little forceful at one point and I definitely wasn't ok with it and I'm still debating about whether or not I'd like to see him again. Pharm guy and Skater boy are both on my softball team and we have playoffs next week...so I feel like I definitely need to be upfront with both of them that the other asked me out and I accepted...but I don't even know how to go about that...

Well we'll see how the rest of this week goes...Skater boy tomorrow, Dish man on Friday, potentially Pharm guy/Him/Painter on Saturday or meeting up with frisbee friends downtown and I think one of the dudes from my team definitely has his eye on me... but I'm not all that interested...

All of them are nice, all of them are cute, none of them compare to him though, still feels like no one ever will.

Desperate

Wednesday I finally got my period. I was officially two weeks late, which in general doesn't concern me all that much because extra stress can get me out of whack. But the last time he and I were together I had just started my period and so we were idiots and did not use protection, and I have not been on birth control since February because ya know been separated from my husband and haven't been having sex...

But yea so of course I start going through the what ifs... and I am so desperate to be with him that I actually thought to myself, well maybe if I was pregnant, it'd put me on an even playing field with his wife. Which is sincerely fucked up. I'm only 25, I really have zero interest in being a parent right now...but there is this whole side of me that would do anything for him to be mine.

There was a work function on Friday that we were both at and we ended up talking a lot as part of a group of course, but I can't even explain how amazing it was to hear his voice, and see his smile and to make him laugh.  He helped me clean up at the end, and we were in the elevator together, just the two of us, and it took every ounce of self control not to throw myself at him. I miss him so fucking much. I got pulled by one of the PMs I work with so he could tell me about something that needs to be done on Monday and when I got back to the lobby, he had left, without saying goodbye...

A bunch of the younger crowd that live in the area were all going to continue the party at a local bar and invited me to go and I said I might show up for a drink before I was meeting a friend to see a movie. But when I realized he was gone I just couldn't shake the disappointment... and after spending about an hour with him it was like I was coming down from a high. I ended up driving to one of the local parks we would meet at, stupidly hoping maybe he was there too... and then just sat in my car in the lot and let myself cry.

Sometimes I'll think I've had a good day, that oh I didn't cry today, maybe it's getting better, but then I wake up to wet cheeks and realize I've been crying in my sleep.  I feel like I'm unraveling and the idea that those 7 weeks are it for us...it's sort of paralyzing.

I had a fun night Friday, going to the movies, finding the best dive bar ever in Manayunk, playing some pool, and darts, it was good. But I wasn't always present, I'm never fully present anymore...he occupies at least every other thought. It still feels impossible that there will be a day where that isn't the case.

The Painter asked me to come over...after I dropped my friends off I decided I didn't want to go home alone to my basement room and cry over him...so I accepted the booty call. Like last time it was good, but nothing special. Felt good, but just empty.  I really don't know if it'll ever stop feeling empty after experiencing what it was like to be with him...There's something so very different when you're just fucking, and what transpires when you're with someone who wants you in every way possible, mind, body, and soul. 

I like sex, I always have, and it doesn't always mean all that much to me...it's just something that feels good. But sex with him...I've never been so turned on in my life. Every inch of me would be ignited by his touch. I really don't know if my heart will ever recover from this.

Finally Angry

Maybe I was pushing the line myself by sitting next to him, but he didn't say no to it last week and even said he enjoyed being able to talk to me.

But clearly based on the convo I just had with our only mutual friend that knows... I'm just being difficult and making it harder for him to save his marriage. I seriously didn't do anything different than I would have two fucking months ago as his friend. He got upset when I ignored him and that our interactions were cold... like what the fuck do you want from me?

I'm not a robot, I'm not going to be able to just pretend like I'm not in love with him and that I don't miss him constantly and that he's not the first and last thing I think about every day.

But the girls were right on Friday, I should be angry. He did lead me on, he did say and do things that made me believe this was real and was going somewhere and that he really did believe in us having a someday. He used me. Maybe I used him too, but I was most definitely sincere about everything I said and how I feel about him.

But how I feel and what I want doesn't matter at all, because I have no control over the outcome of this situation. Right now I have to focus on forcing myself to not want that someday, to believe that it's never fucking happening. I need to focus on the fact that he's a liar.

I cannot idealize the situation, I cannot forget that there are children involved, another woman who's heart is being broken... even if I don't think she loves him like I do...I don't matter in that equation of a life.

Even though running away feels like the best option, I cannot allow this situation to cause me to make decisions about my life as a whole.

The thought of him not being in my life at all is severely depressing, but I have to admit that I will never want him to be just my friend, that will never be enough. He has chosen not to be a part of my life the way I want him to be, so he really doesn't deserve to be a part of it at all. Now if only I could continue to believe that...

New mantra: He's a liar. He's an asshole. He doesn't want you. Fuck that life.