What Would I Say

If I could talk to him, I'd ask how the golf tournament went with his dad.

I'd ask how therapy was on Wednesday... I probably would have texted him a whole bunch over the weekend while I prepped for my work function on Sunday. Then late at night when we were both on facebook messenger I would have lamented about said work function...

I miss talking to him everyday. I miss having someone who genuinely cared about what I was doing everyday. I miss agreeing to get water at the same time just to see his face.

I went on a Tinder date on Thursday with a man I'll call Painter. He's handsome, very fit, interesting enough, and funny. We had a lovely time, but it was nothing special.

I'm not looking to be in a relationship, not at all. I don't really have the time for that right now... nor do I think it'd be beneficial for me, or am ready for. I still have no idea if I'm staying in PA, if I'm going to keep working or am I going back to school full time to get my masters. I need to be free and unattached to be able to do exactly what I want, whatever that ends up being.

Friday night after getting drinks with my frisbee team, I ended up going down into the city to meet up with the Painter. It was definitely a booty call, and I didn't really mind. A fuck buddy is essentially all I really want right now. I'm lonely, and I like sex...It was good, but again nothing special.

I don't think anything is ever going to compare to him until I fall in love again. I sort of dread the idea that everything is going to feel just a little bit empty until I get over him.

Today there was a training thing, and in the past, even well before shit crossed the line, we would have always sat next to each other. I wanted to, so badly, I almost asked him if the seat was taken. But I thought better of it and sat next to another co-worker.

I could barely focus on the training...partially because the presenter just reminds me of Dwight from the office (of course something that he pointed out to me) so that was just making me chuckle the whole time, but mostly because I just wanted to look at him.

All I could think about was us...and the fact that I really need to start believing that there is no us. That he's never going to leave his wife and children, that what happened between us was just an awful mistake and that someday we talked about will never happen. But I can't forget about everything that we said to each other, and the way it feels to be with him.

We had a lunch date at the very beginning of all of this, we were both in the office on a Saturday and of course we ended up just hanging out together and not doing any work...but we decided to get food together. But then he decided that it was a date, opening doors, taking out chairs, and paying for it all. It was actually really lovely. But I remember asking him at one point if he and his wife we're going to have more children and he said he didn't want to but that she's already been talking about wanting more. Skip ahead a month and we're in my car and now things have become a full blown affair and we're talking about what a future together would look like and I say that I would want to have children of my own and that no I'm not ready to be an instant mother right now, that I've got too many things that I want to do first. He looks at me and tells me I'd give you children, of course I'd give you children, I saw you with my girls, you're going to be a wonderful mother. And when I brought up what he'd said before, he was like I meant I didn't want to have anymore children with my wife.

I can so easily picture a future with him, and what life with him would be like. I told him once he felt like home, and I really meant it. When I'm with him I'm just so comfortable and I feel safe and relaxed and I'm not worrying about anything else that's going on...just genuinely enjoying being in his presence. I've never felt that way about anyone. Honestly I've never experienced time move so quickly before either... it was never enough, I could never get enough of him.

I don't want to leave and go back out to California because I need to runaway from this...I need to have a bigger and more my potential future life plan oriented reason. But I really don't know how I'm supposed to survive coming in here everyday and actually get work done. I just can't focus. I'd much rather re-read old messages and emails or read articles about people who've gone through this... but those articles are usually depressing and convince me that I'm just being a hopeless romantic.

If I could sleep for a year and wake up in a different life, I'd be all about that.

Longing

Eventually I'll write up about how things started and transpired but right now all I want to do is talk to him and I cannot.

All I want to do is see him, but I can't.

I had to block him on the work communicator but now I never know if he's here or not which drives me sort of insane.

To be honest the entire situation has taken me directly into crazy town.

I didn't want this, I wasn't looking for this. I was actually sincerely excited about being single for like the first legitimate time of my life and just having some fun and focusing on me.

There were plenty of junctures to stop things... but it's like the logical side of me and apparently my conscious just turned the fuck off whenever I was with him. Seriously it's like there's nothing else in the world but just the two of us when we're together.

The idea that he'll never kiss me again makes my heart hurt in a way I didn't know it could. Which is fucking insane because I'm literally in the process of getting divorced from the man I spent the last 6 years with. You'd think I'd have experienced all the hurt you can, but this, it's like an entirely new level. The way I've connected with this man is so much different. When he looks at me, I just know that he actually sees me exactly for what I am, not what he thinks I am or should be or all that nonsense. Our first kiss is hands down the most intense and magical fucking thing I've ever experienced. Standing in a life guard boat under the moon and the stars with the sound of the ocean in the background. I mean shit doesn't get more romantic than that, it literally took my breath away.

Every morning is a fucking chore, coming in to work is the last thing I want to do, and I am of the lucky few who actually love what they do for a living. I need to get out, running away and starting somewhere new feels like the only answer to all of this.

There's just too many memories... in my car, at work, local parks, my townhouse...my bed.  All my favorite outfits seem to have a memory of him attached. I hate how melodramatic I've been about the whole thing, but I can't really control it. Sometimes you just feel it in every fiber of your body that you've met a kindred spirit.

Sometimes I just don't even believe this is my life right now, I just can't even process how quickly things escalated and the intensity of it all.

I just don't know how I'm ever going to convince myself I don't want him. I know I don't want the situation, fuck man I was a mistress! My god that isn't something I ever thought I'd be capable of. It's certainly made me view my childhood in an entirely new light.

I know what we have hasn't been tested by reality and the hardships of life, I understand that it's hard to believe that it's actually love at all... and I know that I'm a dramatic romantic and that I love my stories and if I could be a character from one of them, I would be. But I also know what I feel, and I know I'm going to love this man for the rest of my life, whether I end up with him or not. Whether or not I stay IN love with him... who knows how long that's going to take me to get over especially when right now I have no interest in getting over it. If there were no external factors... aka a wife and children, I know he'd be with me, I know he feels everything I'm feeling. There's no way I could feel what I do at the intensity that I do if he didn't.

So how are you supposed to move on from something that can't exist because of outside factors?

Falling in love with this man has been the most honest and effortless thing I've ever done.

Nice to Meet You

So I like writing out my feelings, and I'm definitely an over sharer... but I need to work on keeping shit to myself... I have another blog that I'd been writing in to deal with all the emotions associated with deciding to leave my husband and get a divorce. If you're curious about that you can check it out at bitterlyeverafter.blogspot.com

This new one will be about my adventures as a newly single person after practically being in a serious relationship since I was like 16. I started dating my husband only six months after being dumped by my high school sweetheart and first everything. So yea I married the rebound and clearly it was a big old epic FAIL.

I officially called it quits with the hubby on July 11th, and since then in my reckless phase of self destruction... I made out with a friend's bf's roommate, slept with a complete stranger who happened to be in my dining room wearing just boxer briefs when I got home from a night out, and had a full blown affair with a married with children co-worker. Don't you worry there will be entries coming to delve more into some of those...

My childhood was always a bit chaotic and drama filled coming from a divorced family where my father cheated and then married the woman he cheated on my mother with... and then they divorced when I was in college and now I have 6 parental figures just to me...I don't think I really know what normal and boring is... I think I'm comfortable in the chaos. I need to learn to keep shit low key and get back to what makes my weird little heart happy.

Right now though I can't focus on the shit I need to be doing, I've let my to do list get overwhelming, to the point where I feel paralyzed and just end up vegging and watching something on TV. The last week or two I've made some progress in trying to get into a better and beneficial routine... but I have a long way to go.

Getting all of this shit out of my head though, is the first thing I think I need to do to begin moving forward.

The affair is over... ended at the end of September... the whole thing was only 7 weeks long but was probably the most intense 7 weeks of my whole damn life. I fell hard and right now it feels totally impossible that I'll ever get over him, especially when there's zero part of me that actually wants to.