I’ve memorized all the fish in the sea
I’ve memorized each opportunity strangled
and
I remember awakening one morning
and finding everything smeared with the color of
forgotten love
and I’ve memorized
that too.
I just like the whole imagery of how everything else can seem tainted after something falls apart. Everything in my life right now just feels a little bit empty, a little less vivid, and just off. I think about him all the time and it's absolutely not healthy. I sent him a novel of an email the Sunday after the office hangout... I had told him Friday I had some things I wanted to say but agreed it could wait until Monday. But after my last blog entry and really thinking about everything that I want for myself and knowing that spending time together in person is too hard, email made more sense, so I wrote it all up. I decided to promise him that I would be the strong one from here on out and to not create anymore temptation for him so he can do what he needs to. I told him that even if he was in a place to choose me, I'm no where close to being ready for a life with him and the baggage he comes with. I said I'm going to spend the next few years focusing on myself and learning to be ok on my own and loving myself. I also promised that my heart would belong to him until I come back and ask if he's happy, and depending on his answer either I'll have to move on then or I'll be ready to figure out what a life together means...
We talked via text pretty briefly that Monday after I got his email back... then nothing until this Monday where we had a brief interaction due to Movember... and then today at the end of the day in the break room...I tried my best not to look at him, he was a part of a conversation with another co-worker about the office meeting today and other shit that's going on. I guess it's impractical to wish for zero interaction as long as I'm still working in this office... I just hate that I always look for his car in the lot, sometimes I even create a new email to check if he's in since he's blocked on the communicator...I'm constantly hoping to bump into him whenever I'm walking around common space. I highly doubt those hopes will stop...I always just crave to see his face.
I had a long night on Wednesday after taking the GRE and ended up going through all this music that I had put aside for a mix that I wanted to make for him...I got so into it and ended up with two mixes that I'm still refining...and I don't even know why I'm bothering with the effort because I don't think I really could give them to him without breaking my promise. I've been toying with the idea of giving him the one that really is just some awesome songs that I like and think he'll like too as a Christmas present. I even wrote up the email I'd send him... I mentioned the other CD which definitely tells a story and would probably be an emotional thing to listen to...but said that one would definitely break my promise but if he wants it he can ask for it on his birthday. I really do want to keep my promise to him but I also don't want him to forget about me...
Things have been over longer than they lasted and with more time that passes the less real it all feels. If I'm feeling that way I know he has to be too...the man I was getting to know and the things he said to me and the way he made me feel...it's hard to believe that he's still that man. Or that any of that really happened...I miss him, I miss all of it. I miss being excited to come into work to see his face, and to come back to my desk to see my communicator icon blinking and knowing there was a message from him, I miss someone texting me everyday and genuinely caring about all the nothings of my life. I hate that I literally know nothing about his life anymore and I used to know when he was coming into work, when he was leaving, what he was doing that night, what he was doing that weekend...The whole thing may have only been 7 weeks but the amount of time we spent together, and spent talking to each other throughout that...we would sometimes spend the whole afternoon just talking on the communicator and not really working at all. A few evenings on facebook messenger we stayed up way late, once it was until 4 in the morning. We talked about our first serious relationships, we talked about the worst things we'd ever done, we talked about the kind of stuff you really just don't talk about in general. Honestly there were some things I admitted to that I've never told anyone, and I'm an open book so that's saying a lot. It's so easy to just be myself with him...I've always been comfortable around him...we've always been able to talk easily...
I just hate that there's going to be a day when he doesn't love me anymore and I won't even know when that shift happens... or if it already has. But that really is what my reality is, that if he's trying to make the life he already has work... and to be happy in it, he has to get over me. I just wish I knew what was really going through his head...he was the one who started the "someday" talk, he was the one who seemed so sure of it. I guess I just wonder if he still feels that way and is just doing what he has to make sure he doesn't have regrets...
Hopefully soon everything with grad school will take up too much space in my head for there even to be room for anything related to him...
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