I wonder...

Just had a run in with Him in the break room...It was nice to see his face and to hear his voice...

I wonder if he knows how much I miss him and how often I think of him or if he knows that even though Monday was a really good and productive day for me, it still ended with me crying over him.

I've wanted to say so many things to him since we got lunch together on the 9th and I point blank asked him to tell me he wanted a life with his wife more than he wanted one with me. I needed to hear that he was doing what he wanted and not just what he thought he should be doing...We just have always left the door so fucking wide open and I need to close it to be ok...He said what I needed him to, and if he couldn't I wanted him to promise to never contact me if I was with someone in the future...because I've recognized I'd never be able to say no to him and I hate knowing that...and I don't ever want to hurt someone else that way.

He said some stupid shit along the lines of I don't even know what you see in me I'm kind of an asshole... and I just couldn't say anything, was trying to keep it all to what was necessary...but it still feels like he thinks I'm just a silly girl with a crush...I wish it had been fleeting infatuation, it would be so much easier to get past and get over all of this if that were the case.

What do I see in Him... I see everything, I see a future of happiness, laughter, music, love and true acceptance.  He was like just because we have a connection doesn't mean we're supposed to drop everything to be together...and I wanted to say why not? But I didn't...but clearly what I think we have and what I see and feel isn't the same for him. If he loved me the way I want my forever person to love me, he'd never risk losing me. I want an epic love, there's so much in life that we say "good enough" and love just shouldn't be one of them. What would be the point of all of it if you just settled?

Lumberjack and I are talking again and I'm not entirely sure where that's headed, I've been backing off and he's still reaching out here and there and we had a really nice time together on the 13th, honestly it was such a nice ending to that shitty week. I feel like if I just keep being me, and being there for him, something might happen. But it's also like I shouldn't have to talk someone into being with me... I want someone to be as excited about me as I am about them. In the very beginning of things with the Lumberjack it felt he was excited too, and things were definitely progressing quickly and to more than what I'd initially planned on but I was game to feel it out...seems like he decided that it wasn't real...

I officially got into MALTA!! wooooo! and I think I'm going, I'm like 80% sure, I just really need to figure out the logistics of it. Honestly when I get upset about things with Him I just try to remind myself that he's stuck in a marriage with two kids that may or may not be happy again and I've got all these awesome things ahead of me, I mean living abroad for a year??! My life is actually kind of sweet when you ignore all my loose ends I'm tying up from my phase of recklessness.

All I know, and need to keep reminding myself is that my person is out there, and when the timing is right, it'll work out, and whatever is in my future will be better than what I'd previously resigned myself for.

Moving Forward

Damn! It's been over a month! I did download this little app thing called one day, and I wrote very short quick entries in that so it's not like I've been so busy and happy I haven't needed to write..

I'm at work and should be leaving soon for some plans.. I did nothing today. Like actually nothing... but the last few days have been emotional as fuck. The Sailor shipped off to Bahrain yesterday and we had to have some serious conversations about the divorce and other shit prior... but I learned that his parents have an urn of Bow's ashes with his paw print on it, sitting on their mantle. Learning that just totally destroyed me and I started crying on the phone and I so didn't want him to see me that vulnerable. I hate the idea of my baby being with them... but I don't know if it's worth causing drama.

At the end of last week I put myself out there with the Lumberjack...I told him I wanted to date him exclusively and he said he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now. But he didn't elude to liking me that way or wanting to still be friends. Left it off with "you have an open invite to my life" but that I couldn't continue expelling effort on someone who was only lukewarm about me being in their life. So maybe he'll miss me and maybe he won't. At this point though I did all that I could to have the outcome I wanted. 

I'm definitely bumming out about it, I miss talking to him and it's only been a few days. He really had started to become my person... And was more of a distraction than I realized...and so were tinder and OKC. I deleted both off of my phone...but without the distractions He is all I can think about. Especially after telling our love story to a new friend.

I still miss him so fucking much. It's now March, things have been over for 5 months...I really don't think I'll make much more progress with getting over him until I leave the office and all communication actually stops. 

Will hear back from NYU this weekend... And then Malta next week and my financial package from UPenn as well. Lots of decisions coming up.

I wish I could still talk to Lumberjack but I stayed true to my promise about not ignoring my inner voice ever again.

Cheers to a life with as few what ifs and regrets as possible!