Musings

I really just want to talk to someone... about him... or honestly just talk to him. The latter really can't happen and potentially won't ever truly happen again. The former... I just feel like everyone in my life is tired of those conversations. I know I'm tired of them, but he's still on my mind most of the time.

I continually put off the shit that I should be doing to just zone out and think about him... to re-read messages...to try and find whatever pictures of him I can with him being blocked on facebook. I told him he'd be blocked until he no longer was the first thing I thought of every morning. I have a feeling that's not going to happen until I actually leave this office. But to leave the office I have to get into fucking grad school which means I need to get my act together and finish writing my personal statement and fill out the applications.

I'm having a hard time writing it... I think part of it is the fact that I can't stay focused long enough to do so... and also it's hard writing about yourself in a positive manner...

I definitely had a breakthrough last week in regards to all of this.  Last Monday was rough though, it started with an email from him warning me about some party to not go to because he was going to be there. I ended up emailing him back being like yea this is fucking weird... and then sort of had word vomit... I want to talk to him all the time, so when I get the opportunity it just all comes out. I ended up basically sending him that email I'd written up to go along with the awesome song mix CD...

His email back definitely gave me a case of the sad sads...he declined the CDs and basically said he'd like to redact everything he ever said and that everything has become a negative memory for him and that he believes it really was all circumstances. That he loves his wife and she loves him and they've already made improvements in their marriage.

Later that day I saw my dad for the first time in four months, so honestly the first time since my life imploded... we talked about some of this... he was sorry that I'm hurting, said that it's "his loss" told me to really try and walk away from it all if I can, that if he's moving on I need to as well. When I asked him if he thought I actually loved him or if it was just circumstances, he said he thought I was rebounding from my own marriage... but that if I really love this guy, it will survive everything.

I cried myself to sleep pretty much all week, but then Thursday morning when I woke up, the first thought I had was well gosh, if this is rock bottom, if this is me at my worst, a reckless me who doesn't love or respect herself, then I can't fucking wait to see how awesome I'm gonna be when I really do lock it up and get my shit together. That day was the best I've felt in a really long time and I could just feel it in my bones that life is grand and I'm gonna live a big and loud one, and that better version of me is going to be something to behold.

Late Thursday night I ended up emailing him to forewarn him about this happy hour we have as a thank you for the movember efforts and I basically ended up telling him that it's ok that he doesn't want me in his life but if things really are working out with his wife, that events like this are all we have left, because although he may want to be friends some day in the future it'll never happen because I'll only ever be a threat to his wife, a temptation for him, and it'd be torture for me and that we'd be idiots to let those three negative T's into our lives. I told him that even though he takes it all back, and that yea if I'd had the wherewithal to recognize that indulging my curiosity and inner desires would mean losing him entirely I would have never crossed those lines, but that I still mean everything I said and all the promises I made him.

But then I told him that there was no need to worry about me, and pretty much shared with him my epiphany mentioned above. I just wish he understood that he only got a glimpse of what it's like to be with me and what a life together means... That I'm just going to get better with age.  

Maybe I'm just being delusional about the whole damn thing.  There is no way that he's the only person I'm going to have this kind of a connection with and I just need to remember to focus on that. It's just hard when I've never felt any of this before...He really is my first divorce friend, the first person I ever talked to that understood even a little about what my home life was like. We see so many things in such a similar way, our senses of humor are extremely in line with each other too.

I guess what I really need to try and take from all of this are just like with the Sailor, I now know more about what I really want and need in a relationship that's going to be lasting. I have to be able to be genuine buddies with them. I want someone who values the same things that I do. I want someone from a blended family like mine, I really don't think anyone else would ever be able to be as understanding as I will need them to be to try and make everyone happy as much is feasible. But I still want someone who will also see that our family unit is what comes first.

Part of me feels like it's a good thing to take the time to really evaluate what I'm looking for in a potential partner because then when I do meet them, I'll know. But honestly, it just seems stupid to even be thinking about any of that right now. I'm no where near ready to meet that person. I'm still hopelessly in love with him. I'm still holding out hope that he's going to recognize that he can't go back, that he'll never forget feeling more, that she will never be me.

I have to find a way to be able to let go of this though. Although all of me believes he and are kindred spirits and the life that we could have together would be more than worth it to go through all the shit we'd have to...A part of me also knows he's never going to leave his wife. All the people who would be impacted by this..breaking up the family they made together...pissing off her family....disappointing his own family...took me practically a year to decide to do that myself and I didn't have children.  He's too unsure about us, and can't tell how much of his discontent with his marriage has to do with just having the temptation of me.  I know that I have to for real eradicate myself from his life for him to be able to have an untainted view of his life.

Am I foolish for wanting to wait for him? If I really do feel so strongly about our potential and the happiness that we could have, and that I want to love him for the rest of my life, why is it a big deal to give a few years of my life to keep that potential someday alive? I really do need to learn to be ok on my own, and I am not ready for a serious relationship with anyone, and I don't want that anyways because I very much want to retain my freedom to truly be able to do everything that I want to. So if that's my plan anyways, is there really any harm in continuing to love him and wanting a life with him? To hold on to that dream until I'm actually ready for that life, and when I am, to reach out and ask him if he's happy. Then depending on his answer, that's when I'll know what's next for me. Either I'll have to move on for real and close that door, or I'll be amping myself up for a few tumultuous years and a messy and complicated life, but one filled with love and passion and fun.

I just need to take one day at a time and focus on the now. Which means stop staying up too fucking late and get my god damn personal statement written! Also figuring out an appropriate way to handle my feelings when I miss him.  I'm sure I still have a few intermittent interactions ahead of me with him... I just really need to make sure I keep those interactions to what's necessary.

I am so fucking ready for 2014 to be over.  Unfortunately I don't think 2015 is going to be any easier, but for real I don't think another year is going to be as hard as this one was for a long time.

"Smeared with the color of forgotten love"

Sometimes I know the title of a post before I even start writing...today is one of those days. That's part of a Bukowski quote the Burdman laid on me today and it's just resonating. The full verse it's from goes like this:

I’ve memorized all the fish in the sea

I’ve memorized each opportunity strangled

and

I remember awakening one morning

and finding everything smeared with the color of

forgotten love

and I’ve memorized

that too. 

I just like the whole imagery of how everything else can seem tainted after something falls apart. Everything in my life right now just feels a little bit empty, a little less vivid, and just off. I think about him all the time and it's absolutely not healthy. I sent him a novel of an email the Sunday after the office hangout... I had told him Friday I had some things I wanted to say but agreed it could wait until Monday. But after my last blog entry and really thinking about everything that I want for myself and knowing that spending time together in person is too hard, email made more sense, so I wrote it all up. I decided to promise him that I would be the strong one from here on out and to not create anymore temptation for him so he can do what he needs to. I told him that even if he was in a place to choose me, I'm no where close to being ready for a life with him and the baggage he comes with. I said I'm going to spend the next few years focusing on myself and learning to be ok on my own and loving myself. I also promised that my heart would belong to him until I come back and ask if he's happy, and depending on his answer either I'll have to move on then or I'll be ready to figure out what a life together means...

We talked via text pretty briefly that Monday after I got his email back... then nothing until this Monday where we had a brief interaction due to Movember... and then today at the end of the day in the break room...I tried my best not to look at him, he was a part of a conversation with another co-worker about the office meeting today and other shit that's going on.  I guess it's impractical to wish for zero interaction as long as I'm still working in this office... I just hate that I always look for his car in the lot, sometimes I even create a new email to check if he's in since he's blocked on the communicator...I'm constantly hoping to bump into him whenever I'm walking around common space. I highly doubt those hopes will stop...I always just crave to see his face.

I had a long night on Wednesday after taking the GRE and ended up going through all this music that I had put aside for a mix that I wanted to make for him...I got so into it and ended up with two mixes that I'm still refining...and I don't even know why I'm bothering with the effort because I don't think I really could give them to him without breaking my promise. I've been toying with the idea of giving him the one that really is just some awesome songs that I like and think he'll like too as a Christmas present. I even wrote up the email I'd send him... I mentioned the other CD which definitely tells a story and would probably be an emotional thing to listen to...but said that one would definitely break my promise but if he wants it he can ask for it on his birthday. I really do want to keep my promise to him but I also don't want him to forget about me...

Things have been over longer than they lasted and with more time that passes the less real it all feels. If I'm feeling that way I know he has to be too...the man I was getting to know and the things he said to me and the way he made me feel...it's hard to believe that he's still that man. Or that any of that really happened...I miss him, I miss all of it. I miss being excited to come into work to see his face, and to come back to my desk to see my communicator icon blinking and knowing there was a message from him, I miss someone texting me everyday and genuinely caring about all the nothings of my life. I hate that I literally know nothing about his life anymore and I used to know when he was coming into work, when he was leaving, what he was doing that night, what he was doing that weekend...The whole thing may have only been 7 weeks but the amount of time we spent together, and spent talking to each other throughout that...we would sometimes spend the whole afternoon just talking on the communicator and not really working at all.  A few evenings on facebook messenger we stayed up way late, once it was until 4 in the morning. We talked about our first serious relationships, we talked about the worst things we'd ever done, we talked about the kind of stuff you really just don't talk about in general. Honestly there were some things I admitted to that I've never told anyone, and I'm an open book so that's saying a lot. It's so easy to just be myself with him...I've always been comfortable around him...we've always been able to talk easily...

I just hate that there's going to be a day when he doesn't love me anymore and I won't even know when that shift happens... or if it already has. But that really is what my reality is, that if he's trying to make the life he already has work... and to be happy in it, he has to get over me.  I just wish I knew what was really going through his head...he was the one who started the "someday" talk, he was the one who seemed so sure of it. I guess I just wonder if he still feels that way and is just doing what he has to make sure he doesn't have regrets...

Hopefully soon everything with grad school will take up too much space in my head for there even to be room for anything related to him...