Torture

It is is absolute torture to be missing someone so badly that it makes your chest tighten up while knowing that you could just walk down the hall and you could see their face.

The irony I feel is pretty ridiculous when I can't stop myself from rereading old emails and messages when I miss him too much I can't focus at work anyways, so I indulge and let my mind go back to those days when we were madly in love and didn't give a fuck about consequences and the whole thing just felt so perfect that it was surreal, and here I am at my cube reading his words and missing him something awful, and then he just fucking walks by.

We talked a whole lot last Friday. He decided I exist and that he gave two shits about my pending grad school choice and how my Easter was and my family. We had chatted briefly the Friday before when the Burdman's San Fran broad was in town and I had no one else to talk to about it. The convo stayed perfectly within the friend realm and it was nice. But this time...initially when he decided to call after me in the parking lot, it was fine. Normal, casual, grad school stuff, how was Easter, pretty standard things.

But then I message him asking if that was an ok thing to do, that I never know what's ok and what's welcomed. We end up chatting on there for like two hours and then it ending with him saying we probably can't talk again for a while because it's never "just" anything when it comes to us and him at one point saying "You're an evil temptress. And I'm weak."  I had mentioned to him the Friday before that Lumberjack met my parents cuz he helped me move and so he point blank asked, how's your boyfriend? how's that going?

Was honest, told him that Lumberjack wasn't my boyfriend, just a friend with potential, but that he started talking to his ex again and that I'm pretty certain they're getting back together. Which has been fun... have been getting a play by play of all that and trying to give impartial advice all the while I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be enough to be someone's choice...but then I think, no fuck them, I'm awesome and eventually I will stop meeting idiots. Someday when I meet a man worthy of me, he will be smart enough to readily recognize the gem that I am.

We ended up going to the Walk the Moon concert together even after I offered him both tickets so he could go with her...I just knew he'd enjoy himself more with her. It was as fun as it could be hanging out with a dude you wish would just date you but he's too hung up on his ex to even really see you clearly even though you see him and all the potential. I'm afraid yesterday might have been goodbye... It sort of felt like it was but I didn't want it to be, so I didn't bring it up. I knew once I started to develop feelings for him that trying to stay friends was most likely going to result in me getting hurt. But I decided he was still worth getting to know. I think I may have started to fall for him though... which would be just my fucking luck.

He really is such a good dude, reminds me so much of my twin. I sort of realized last night, that maybe part of the attraction to Lumberjack is that I miss having my brother in my life more than I knew. I just want him to be happy, regardless of if I'm a part of it the way or want to be, or a part of it at all. Fuck man I need to stop being so free with my love...I'm only ever disappointed.