Moving Forward

Damn! It's been over a month! I did download this little app thing called one day, and I wrote very short quick entries in that so it's not like I've been so busy and happy I haven't needed to write..

I'm at work and should be leaving soon for some plans.. I did nothing today. Like actually nothing... but the last few days have been emotional as fuck. The Sailor shipped off to Bahrain yesterday and we had to have some serious conversations about the divorce and other shit prior... but I learned that his parents have an urn of Bow's ashes with his paw print on it, sitting on their mantle. Learning that just totally destroyed me and I started crying on the phone and I so didn't want him to see me that vulnerable. I hate the idea of my baby being with them... but I don't know if it's worth causing drama.

At the end of last week I put myself out there with the Lumberjack...I told him I wanted to date him exclusively and he said he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now. But he didn't elude to liking me that way or wanting to still be friends. Left it off with "you have an open invite to my life" but that I couldn't continue expelling effort on someone who was only lukewarm about me being in their life. So maybe he'll miss me and maybe he won't. At this point though I did all that I could to have the outcome I wanted. 

I'm definitely bumming out about it, I miss talking to him and it's only been a few days. He really had started to become my person... And was more of a distraction than I realized...and so were tinder and OKC. I deleted both off of my phone...but without the distractions He is all I can think about. Especially after telling our love story to a new friend.

I still miss him so fucking much. It's now March, things have been over for 5 months...I really don't think I'll make much more progress with getting over him until I leave the office and all communication actually stops. 

Will hear back from NYU this weekend... And then Malta next week and my financial package from UPenn as well. Lots of decisions coming up.

I wish I could still talk to Lumberjack but I stayed true to my promise about not ignoring my inner voice ever again.

Cheers to a life with as few what ifs and regrets as possible!