Danger in Distractions

I should absolutely be sleeping right now, but if I don't get these thoughts out now, I won't be able to sleep anyways and then I'll want to write them while at work which I really shouldn't do. 

Life pretty much imploded in my face on Saturday... Pharm guy was really pushing for me to crash this wedding and I was definitely playing along even though I knew there was no way I could go, nor would have really wanted to with him and his wife there. Like why would I want to see first hand the life I want with him but will never have. The idea of crashing a wedding was appealing and it definitely bothered me knowing that I had to restrict myself because of him, but honestly I don't need more drama, I need less. 

Well he got wind of me potentially crashing and texted me. I initially was just giving him a hard time but he reacted so combatively. He was just mean and hurtful so readily it made me snap and this entirely vindictive side came out. I feel like I've been relatively level headed and understanding throughout this whole mess aside for a few times where I made clear my honest feelings about how I want him to choose me... But for the most part I've been totally amenable even though I could absolutely blow up his world. The wife has no idea about how far things went, but she does know it's me...a part of me wishes she knew because I feel like if she did, she'd leave his ass.

But needless to say the text convo between us quickly escalated into really lousy things being said and me absolutely letting him sweat it out thinking that I might just show up. I was getting ready to meet up with frisbee people but then ended up getting dressed to actually crash the wedding, I was that angry and ready to bring hell into his life.  Telling me I'm a lousy person and that his wife would punch me. I'd like to see her fucking try, I've been itching to actually fight someone for like ever. I fucking hate that she knows it's me though. He was uncomfortable for a night, I'm uncomfortable all the time. I don't know her, or what friends she has told or not told... There's a part of me that constantly worries she's gonna crack and just show up at the office one day and just wreck my world. By telling her, he made me a target and who knows what kind of consequences lay ahead of me because of that. Clearly one such consequence is making sure I don't knowingly cross paths with her...So much of me hated that I was apparently supposed to respect his marriage even though he hadn't.

But then as I was brushing my hair this St. Vincent song he had put on a mix for me started playing by absolute chance and it totally brought me out of the haze of anger.  I immediately texted Pharm guy and just said something had come up that I was in a weird mood and wasn't up for wedding festivities. 

I let him stew for a while longer before I definitively let him know I wasn't going to show up... And then I just cried on my bed for a while because it was just so clear that as soon as I was a problem for him, I didn't mean anything to him, to use his own phrasing I was less than dirt.

The next morning I texted him to basically acknowledge that I hadn't initially planned on really going but that his reaction provoked me but that it was a good thing to know how little he thought of me, that now I can close the door and just focus on moving on. And even then he was still on the attack and purposefully saying hurtful things. 

He even insinuated that my feelings for him weren't genuine, that I was only in it for the attention. Yes, that's absolutely how things started but my god if that was what it was about why in the world would I still be holding on to him?! There is literally nothing appealing about the situation. A future with him would be so hard and a constant up hill battle. 

I guess the convo eventually ended on a somewhat light hearted note but I honestly have no idea where things stand at this point. 

The Struggle Is Real...

My ability to focus is total shit... like it's been sort of shitty for the last few months anyways cuz life has been an asshole in general... but then everything started spiraling out of control with him... and all I wanted to do was spend time with him...I was more than unproductive at work it was definitely becoming a problem.

Now I no longer have him actually distracting me at work through the communicator where we would just talk about anything and everything.... or asking me to go for a walk, or to get lunch, or meet up at one of our parks, or hang out after work for a bit... but I'm still distracted, still not focused. Because I constantly miss him and I'd much rather re-read old conversations and try to relive some of our moments then actively participate in whatever is going on.

It's been difficult to get up in the mornings... which has been an issue for me like always... mornings are probably the closest thing I have to  nemesis. But lately it's because I just want to keep dreaming, because in my dreams it's not over. In my dreams he's mine.

I really need to just focus on reality though. The reality that he didn't choose me and most likely he never will. Just typing that gave me the chills and causes all of me to ache. I have to squash these hopes that I'm the end goal or else I won't be able to move on or forward.

I'm dating... I'm meeting people and going out, but I'm still just thinking about him. I had a date-ish sort of thing for the Eagles game on Monday with a guy from softball, we'll call him the Pharm guy. I may see Pharm guy again on Saturday night...might crash a wedding.. that could be fun. But there's the potential for him to be there.. with the wife at this wedding... and that would be fucking dreadful... but also I kinda want him to see me dancing with some other dude and laughing and potentially making out...

I have another date tomorrow with another softball guy... who is like the exact opposite of Pharm guy...he has longer blond hair, dips, and has an earring...but fit as hell and a great face. I think I'll refer to him as Skater boy...and I have a night out planned for Friday with a guy who works in the cafe in the lobby of my building...we'll call him Dish man.

So there's quite a few players right now... all with varying levels of interest:

Sailor - my soon to be ex husband.
Mountain Man - hunky smart guy I met at the end of college that I should have called my engagement off for and pursued...
Him - love of my life, most unavailable person ever cuz he's married with children.
Actor - tinder dude that has also become a friend, we flirt and make each other laugh.
Painter - tinder dude that has become a fuck buddy. doesn't seem like he wants more which is cool with me.
Dish man - in the middle of getting divorced as well, he's a writer at heart, definitely interesting, not quite sure where it's headed but he makes me laugh and compliments me. He's a good distraction when being at work gets too hard.
Pharm guy - sweet and shy clean cut guy from softball, need to avoid breaking his heart...looks like a possibility, good friends with a guy that grew up with Him... so that could be awkward.
Skater boy - definitely getting the bad ass vibe from this one and he absolutely knows he's attractive. He asked me out via email which is adorable. Looking forward to actually getting to know him.

Damn! That's 8 men... well Sailor is not a contender anymore... but not out of my life yet...Mountain Man... I think I fucked that one up permanently. Him... I don't know, I think I did all that I could to show him how serious I am about being with him, that potential someday is entirely up to him... it's out of my hands and the sooner I'm come to terms with that, the better. Actor... he doesn't live in the area, the night we met up was very soon after things imploded with Him so it was very much just a needed distraction, but he told me my breasts are pure perfection so that was awesome. So I guess that really leaves only 4 active contenders. Perhaps I'll have the perfect rotation of fuck buddies and gents to take me out on the town?

I've never actually dated before, so I really don't know how much of what I'm doing I'm suppose to disclose to each of these dudes. Painter doesn't really seem to give a fuck, which is exactly what I'm looking for but last Friday when we met up he got a little forceful at one point and I definitely wasn't ok with it and I'm still debating about whether or not I'd like to see him again. Pharm guy and Skater boy are both on my softball team and we have playoffs next week...so I feel like I definitely need to be upfront with both of them that the other asked me out and I accepted...but I don't even know how to go about that...

Well we'll see how the rest of this week goes...Skater boy tomorrow, Dish man on Friday, potentially Pharm guy/Him/Painter on Saturday or meeting up with frisbee friends downtown and I think one of the dudes from my team definitely has his eye on me... but I'm not all that interested...

All of them are nice, all of them are cute, none of them compare to him though, still feels like no one ever will.

Desperate

Wednesday I finally got my period. I was officially two weeks late, which in general doesn't concern me all that much because extra stress can get me out of whack. But the last time he and I were together I had just started my period and so we were idiots and did not use protection, and I have not been on birth control since February because ya know been separated from my husband and haven't been having sex...

But yea so of course I start going through the what ifs... and I am so desperate to be with him that I actually thought to myself, well maybe if I was pregnant, it'd put me on an even playing field with his wife. Which is sincerely fucked up. I'm only 25, I really have zero interest in being a parent right now...but there is this whole side of me that would do anything for him to be mine.

There was a work function on Friday that we were both at and we ended up talking a lot as part of a group of course, but I can't even explain how amazing it was to hear his voice, and see his smile and to make him laugh.  He helped me clean up at the end, and we were in the elevator together, just the two of us, and it took every ounce of self control not to throw myself at him. I miss him so fucking much. I got pulled by one of the PMs I work with so he could tell me about something that needs to be done on Monday and when I got back to the lobby, he had left, without saying goodbye...

A bunch of the younger crowd that live in the area were all going to continue the party at a local bar and invited me to go and I said I might show up for a drink before I was meeting a friend to see a movie. But when I realized he was gone I just couldn't shake the disappointment... and after spending about an hour with him it was like I was coming down from a high. I ended up driving to one of the local parks we would meet at, stupidly hoping maybe he was there too... and then just sat in my car in the lot and let myself cry.

Sometimes I'll think I've had a good day, that oh I didn't cry today, maybe it's getting better, but then I wake up to wet cheeks and realize I've been crying in my sleep.  I feel like I'm unraveling and the idea that those 7 weeks are it for us...it's sort of paralyzing.

I had a fun night Friday, going to the movies, finding the best dive bar ever in Manayunk, playing some pool, and darts, it was good. But I wasn't always present, I'm never fully present anymore...he occupies at least every other thought. It still feels impossible that there will be a day where that isn't the case.

The Painter asked me to come over...after I dropped my friends off I decided I didn't want to go home alone to my basement room and cry over him...so I accepted the booty call. Like last time it was good, but nothing special. Felt good, but just empty.  I really don't know if it'll ever stop feeling empty after experiencing what it was like to be with him...There's something so very different when you're just fucking, and what transpires when you're with someone who wants you in every way possible, mind, body, and soul. 

I like sex, I always have, and it doesn't always mean all that much to me...it's just something that feels good. But sex with him...I've never been so turned on in my life. Every inch of me would be ignited by his touch. I really don't know if my heart will ever recover from this.

Finally Angry

Maybe I was pushing the line myself by sitting next to him, but he didn't say no to it last week and even said he enjoyed being able to talk to me.

But clearly based on the convo I just had with our only mutual friend that knows... I'm just being difficult and making it harder for him to save his marriage. I seriously didn't do anything different than I would have two fucking months ago as his friend. He got upset when I ignored him and that our interactions were cold... like what the fuck do you want from me?

I'm not a robot, I'm not going to be able to just pretend like I'm not in love with him and that I don't miss him constantly and that he's not the first and last thing I think about every day.

But the girls were right on Friday, I should be angry. He did lead me on, he did say and do things that made me believe this was real and was going somewhere and that he really did believe in us having a someday. He used me. Maybe I used him too, but I was most definitely sincere about everything I said and how I feel about him.

But how I feel and what I want doesn't matter at all, because I have no control over the outcome of this situation. Right now I have to focus on forcing myself to not want that someday, to believe that it's never fucking happening. I need to focus on the fact that he's a liar.

I cannot idealize the situation, I cannot forget that there are children involved, another woman who's heart is being broken... even if I don't think she loves him like I do...I don't matter in that equation of a life.

Even though running away feels like the best option, I cannot allow this situation to cause me to make decisions about my life as a whole.

The thought of him not being in my life at all is severely depressing, but I have to admit that I will never want him to be just my friend, that will never be enough. He has chosen not to be a part of my life the way I want him to be, so he really doesn't deserve to be a part of it at all. Now if only I could continue to believe that...

New mantra: He's a liar. He's an asshole. He doesn't want you. Fuck that life.

What Would I Say

If I could talk to him, I'd ask how the golf tournament went with his dad.

I'd ask how therapy was on Wednesday... I probably would have texted him a whole bunch over the weekend while I prepped for my work function on Sunday. Then late at night when we were both on facebook messenger I would have lamented about said work function...

I miss talking to him everyday. I miss having someone who genuinely cared about what I was doing everyday. I miss agreeing to get water at the same time just to see his face.

I went on a Tinder date on Thursday with a man I'll call Painter. He's handsome, very fit, interesting enough, and funny. We had a lovely time, but it was nothing special.

I'm not looking to be in a relationship, not at all. I don't really have the time for that right now... nor do I think it'd be beneficial for me, or am ready for. I still have no idea if I'm staying in PA, if I'm going to keep working or am I going back to school full time to get my masters. I need to be free and unattached to be able to do exactly what I want, whatever that ends up being.

Friday night after getting drinks with my frisbee team, I ended up going down into the city to meet up with the Painter. It was definitely a booty call, and I didn't really mind. A fuck buddy is essentially all I really want right now. I'm lonely, and I like sex...It was good, but again nothing special.

I don't think anything is ever going to compare to him until I fall in love again. I sort of dread the idea that everything is going to feel just a little bit empty until I get over him.

Today there was a training thing, and in the past, even well before shit crossed the line, we would have always sat next to each other. I wanted to, so badly, I almost asked him if the seat was taken. But I thought better of it and sat next to another co-worker.

I could barely focus on the training...partially because the presenter just reminds me of Dwight from the office (of course something that he pointed out to me) so that was just making me chuckle the whole time, but mostly because I just wanted to look at him.

All I could think about was us...and the fact that I really need to start believing that there is no us. That he's never going to leave his wife and children, that what happened between us was just an awful mistake and that someday we talked about will never happen. But I can't forget about everything that we said to each other, and the way it feels to be with him.

We had a lunch date at the very beginning of all of this, we were both in the office on a Saturday and of course we ended up just hanging out together and not doing any work...but we decided to get food together. But then he decided that it was a date, opening doors, taking out chairs, and paying for it all. It was actually really lovely. But I remember asking him at one point if he and his wife we're going to have more children and he said he didn't want to but that she's already been talking about wanting more. Skip ahead a month and we're in my car and now things have become a full blown affair and we're talking about what a future together would look like and I say that I would want to have children of my own and that no I'm not ready to be an instant mother right now, that I've got too many things that I want to do first. He looks at me and tells me I'd give you children, of course I'd give you children, I saw you with my girls, you're going to be a wonderful mother. And when I brought up what he'd said before, he was like I meant I didn't want to have anymore children with my wife.

I can so easily picture a future with him, and what life with him would be like. I told him once he felt like home, and I really meant it. When I'm with him I'm just so comfortable and I feel safe and relaxed and I'm not worrying about anything else that's going on...just genuinely enjoying being in his presence. I've never felt that way about anyone. Honestly I've never experienced time move so quickly before either... it was never enough, I could never get enough of him.

I don't want to leave and go back out to California because I need to runaway from this...I need to have a bigger and more my potential future life plan oriented reason. But I really don't know how I'm supposed to survive coming in here everyday and actually get work done. I just can't focus. I'd much rather re-read old messages and emails or read articles about people who've gone through this... but those articles are usually depressing and convince me that I'm just being a hopeless romantic.

If I could sleep for a year and wake up in a different life, I'd be all about that.

Longing

Eventually I'll write up about how things started and transpired but right now all I want to do is talk to him and I cannot.

All I want to do is see him, but I can't.

I had to block him on the work communicator but now I never know if he's here or not which drives me sort of insane.

To be honest the entire situation has taken me directly into crazy town.

I didn't want this, I wasn't looking for this. I was actually sincerely excited about being single for like the first legitimate time of my life and just having some fun and focusing on me.

There were plenty of junctures to stop things... but it's like the logical side of me and apparently my conscious just turned the fuck off whenever I was with him. Seriously it's like there's nothing else in the world but just the two of us when we're together.

The idea that he'll never kiss me again makes my heart hurt in a way I didn't know it could. Which is fucking insane because I'm literally in the process of getting divorced from the man I spent the last 6 years with. You'd think I'd have experienced all the hurt you can, but this, it's like an entirely new level. The way I've connected with this man is so much different. When he looks at me, I just know that he actually sees me exactly for what I am, not what he thinks I am or should be or all that nonsense. Our first kiss is hands down the most intense and magical fucking thing I've ever experienced. Standing in a life guard boat under the moon and the stars with the sound of the ocean in the background. I mean shit doesn't get more romantic than that, it literally took my breath away.

Every morning is a fucking chore, coming in to work is the last thing I want to do, and I am of the lucky few who actually love what they do for a living. I need to get out, running away and starting somewhere new feels like the only answer to all of this.

There's just too many memories... in my car, at work, local parks, my townhouse...my bed.  All my favorite outfits seem to have a memory of him attached. I hate how melodramatic I've been about the whole thing, but I can't really control it. Sometimes you just feel it in every fiber of your body that you've met a kindred spirit.

Sometimes I just don't even believe this is my life right now, I just can't even process how quickly things escalated and the intensity of it all.

I just don't know how I'm ever going to convince myself I don't want him. I know I don't want the situation, fuck man I was a mistress! My god that isn't something I ever thought I'd be capable of. It's certainly made me view my childhood in an entirely new light.

I know what we have hasn't been tested by reality and the hardships of life, I understand that it's hard to believe that it's actually love at all... and I know that I'm a dramatic romantic and that I love my stories and if I could be a character from one of them, I would be. But I also know what I feel, and I know I'm going to love this man for the rest of my life, whether I end up with him or not. Whether or not I stay IN love with him... who knows how long that's going to take me to get over especially when right now I have no interest in getting over it. If there were no external factors... aka a wife and children, I know he'd be with me, I know he feels everything I'm feeling. There's no way I could feel what I do at the intensity that I do if he didn't.

So how are you supposed to move on from something that can't exist because of outside factors?

Falling in love with this man has been the most honest and effortless thing I've ever done.

Nice to Meet You

So I like writing out my feelings, and I'm definitely an over sharer... but I need to work on keeping shit to myself... I have another blog that I'd been writing in to deal with all the emotions associated with deciding to leave my husband and get a divorce. If you're curious about that you can check it out at bitterlyeverafter.blogspot.com

This new one will be about my adventures as a newly single person after practically being in a serious relationship since I was like 16. I started dating my husband only six months after being dumped by my high school sweetheart and first everything. So yea I married the rebound and clearly it was a big old epic FAIL.

I officially called it quits with the hubby on July 11th, and since then in my reckless phase of self destruction... I made out with a friend's bf's roommate, slept with a complete stranger who happened to be in my dining room wearing just boxer briefs when I got home from a night out, and had a full blown affair with a married with children co-worker. Don't you worry there will be entries coming to delve more into some of those...

My childhood was always a bit chaotic and drama filled coming from a divorced family where my father cheated and then married the woman he cheated on my mother with... and then they divorced when I was in college and now I have 6 parental figures just to me...I don't think I really know what normal and boring is... I think I'm comfortable in the chaos. I need to learn to keep shit low key and get back to what makes my weird little heart happy.

Right now though I can't focus on the shit I need to be doing, I've let my to do list get overwhelming, to the point where I feel paralyzed and just end up vegging and watching something on TV. The last week or two I've made some progress in trying to get into a better and beneficial routine... but I have a long way to go.

Getting all of this shit out of my head though, is the first thing I think I need to do to begin moving forward.

The affair is over... ended at the end of September... the whole thing was only 7 weeks long but was probably the most intense 7 weeks of my whole damn life. I fell hard and right now it feels totally impossible that I'll ever get over him, especially when there's zero part of me that actually wants to.