Finally Angry

Maybe I was pushing the line myself by sitting next to him, but he didn't say no to it last week and even said he enjoyed being able to talk to me.

But clearly based on the convo I just had with our only mutual friend that knows... I'm just being difficult and making it harder for him to save his marriage. I seriously didn't do anything different than I would have two fucking months ago as his friend. He got upset when I ignored him and that our interactions were cold... like what the fuck do you want from me?

I'm not a robot, I'm not going to be able to just pretend like I'm not in love with him and that I don't miss him constantly and that he's not the first and last thing I think about every day.

But the girls were right on Friday, I should be angry. He did lead me on, he did say and do things that made me believe this was real and was going somewhere and that he really did believe in us having a someday. He used me. Maybe I used him too, but I was most definitely sincere about everything I said and how I feel about him.

But how I feel and what I want doesn't matter at all, because I have no control over the outcome of this situation. Right now I have to focus on forcing myself to not want that someday, to believe that it's never fucking happening. I need to focus on the fact that he's a liar.

I cannot idealize the situation, I cannot forget that there are children involved, another woman who's heart is being broken... even if I don't think she loves him like I do...I don't matter in that equation of a life.

Even though running away feels like the best option, I cannot allow this situation to cause me to make decisions about my life as a whole.

The thought of him not being in my life at all is severely depressing, but I have to admit that I will never want him to be just my friend, that will never be enough. He has chosen not to be a part of my life the way I want him to be, so he really doesn't deserve to be a part of it at all. Now if only I could continue to believe that...

New mantra: He's a liar. He's an asshole. He doesn't want you. Fuck that life.