Life pretty much imploded in my face on Saturday... Pharm guy was really pushing for me to crash this wedding and I was definitely playing along even though I knew there was no way I could go, nor would have really wanted to with him and his wife there. Like why would I want to see first hand the life I want with him but will never have. The idea of crashing a wedding was appealing and it definitely bothered me knowing that I had to restrict myself because of him, but honestly I don't need more drama, I need less.
Well he got wind of me potentially crashing and texted me. I initially was just giving him a hard time but he reacted so combatively. He was just mean and hurtful so readily it made me snap and this entirely vindictive side came out. I feel like I've been relatively level headed and understanding throughout this whole mess aside for a few times where I made clear my honest feelings about how I want him to choose me... But for the most part I've been totally amenable even though I could absolutely blow up his world. The wife has no idea about how far things went, but she does know it's me...a part of me wishes she knew because I feel like if she did, she'd leave his ass.
But needless to say the text convo between us quickly escalated into really lousy things being said and me absolutely letting him sweat it out thinking that I might just show up. I was getting ready to meet up with frisbee people but then ended up getting dressed to actually crash the wedding, I was that angry and ready to bring hell into his life. Telling me I'm a lousy person and that his wife would punch me. I'd like to see her fucking try, I've been itching to actually fight someone for like ever. I fucking hate that she knows it's me though. He was uncomfortable for a night, I'm uncomfortable all the time. I don't know her, or what friends she has told or not told... There's a part of me that constantly worries she's gonna crack and just show up at the office one day and just wreck my world. By telling her, he made me a target and who knows what kind of consequences lay ahead of me because of that. Clearly one such consequence is making sure I don't knowingly cross paths with her...So much of me hated that I was apparently supposed to respect his marriage even though he hadn't.
But then as I was brushing my hair this St. Vincent song he had put on a mix for me started playing by absolute chance and it totally brought me out of the haze of anger. I immediately texted Pharm guy and just said something had come up that I was in a weird mood and wasn't up for wedding festivities.
I let him stew for a while longer before I definitively let him know I wasn't going to show up... And then I just cried on my bed for a while because it was just so clear that as soon as I was a problem for him, I didn't mean anything to him, to use his own phrasing I was less than dirt.
The next morning I texted him to basically acknowledge that I hadn't initially planned on really going but that his reaction provoked me but that it was a good thing to know how little he thought of me, that now I can close the door and just focus on moving on. And even then he was still on the attack and purposefully saying hurtful things.
He even insinuated that my feelings for him weren't genuine, that I was only in it for the attention. Yes, that's absolutely how things started but my god if that was what it was about why in the world would I still be holding on to him?! There is literally nothing appealing about the situation. A future with him would be so hard and a constant up hill battle.
I guess the convo eventually ended on a somewhat light hearted note but I honestly have no idea where things stand at this point.
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