Longing

Eventually I'll write up about how things started and transpired but right now all I want to do is talk to him and I cannot.

All I want to do is see him, but I can't.

I had to block him on the work communicator but now I never know if he's here or not which drives me sort of insane.

To be honest the entire situation has taken me directly into crazy town.

I didn't want this, I wasn't looking for this. I was actually sincerely excited about being single for like the first legitimate time of my life and just having some fun and focusing on me.

There were plenty of junctures to stop things... but it's like the logical side of me and apparently my conscious just turned the fuck off whenever I was with him. Seriously it's like there's nothing else in the world but just the two of us when we're together.

The idea that he'll never kiss me again makes my heart hurt in a way I didn't know it could. Which is fucking insane because I'm literally in the process of getting divorced from the man I spent the last 6 years with. You'd think I'd have experienced all the hurt you can, but this, it's like an entirely new level. The way I've connected with this man is so much different. When he looks at me, I just know that he actually sees me exactly for what I am, not what he thinks I am or should be or all that nonsense. Our first kiss is hands down the most intense and magical fucking thing I've ever experienced. Standing in a life guard boat under the moon and the stars with the sound of the ocean in the background. I mean shit doesn't get more romantic than that, it literally took my breath away.

Every morning is a fucking chore, coming in to work is the last thing I want to do, and I am of the lucky few who actually love what they do for a living. I need to get out, running away and starting somewhere new feels like the only answer to all of this.

There's just too many memories... in my car, at work, local parks, my townhouse...my bed.  All my favorite outfits seem to have a memory of him attached. I hate how melodramatic I've been about the whole thing, but I can't really control it. Sometimes you just feel it in every fiber of your body that you've met a kindred spirit.

Sometimes I just don't even believe this is my life right now, I just can't even process how quickly things escalated and the intensity of it all.

I just don't know how I'm ever going to convince myself I don't want him. I know I don't want the situation, fuck man I was a mistress! My god that isn't something I ever thought I'd be capable of. It's certainly made me view my childhood in an entirely new light.

I know what we have hasn't been tested by reality and the hardships of life, I understand that it's hard to believe that it's actually love at all... and I know that I'm a dramatic romantic and that I love my stories and if I could be a character from one of them, I would be. But I also know what I feel, and I know I'm going to love this man for the rest of my life, whether I end up with him or not. Whether or not I stay IN love with him... who knows how long that's going to take me to get over especially when right now I have no interest in getting over it. If there were no external factors... aka a wife and children, I know he'd be with me, I know he feels everything I'm feeling. There's no way I could feel what I do at the intensity that I do if he didn't.

So how are you supposed to move on from something that can't exist because of outside factors?

Falling in love with this man has been the most honest and effortless thing I've ever done.