Desperate

Wednesday I finally got my period. I was officially two weeks late, which in general doesn't concern me all that much because extra stress can get me out of whack. But the last time he and I were together I had just started my period and so we were idiots and did not use protection, and I have not been on birth control since February because ya know been separated from my husband and haven't been having sex...

But yea so of course I start going through the what ifs... and I am so desperate to be with him that I actually thought to myself, well maybe if I was pregnant, it'd put me on an even playing field with his wife. Which is sincerely fucked up. I'm only 25, I really have zero interest in being a parent right now...but there is this whole side of me that would do anything for him to be mine.

There was a work function on Friday that we were both at and we ended up talking a lot as part of a group of course, but I can't even explain how amazing it was to hear his voice, and see his smile and to make him laugh.  He helped me clean up at the end, and we were in the elevator together, just the two of us, and it took every ounce of self control not to throw myself at him. I miss him so fucking much. I got pulled by one of the PMs I work with so he could tell me about something that needs to be done on Monday and when I got back to the lobby, he had left, without saying goodbye...

A bunch of the younger crowd that live in the area were all going to continue the party at a local bar and invited me to go and I said I might show up for a drink before I was meeting a friend to see a movie. But when I realized he was gone I just couldn't shake the disappointment... and after spending about an hour with him it was like I was coming down from a high. I ended up driving to one of the local parks we would meet at, stupidly hoping maybe he was there too... and then just sat in my car in the lot and let myself cry.

Sometimes I'll think I've had a good day, that oh I didn't cry today, maybe it's getting better, but then I wake up to wet cheeks and realize I've been crying in my sleep.  I feel like I'm unraveling and the idea that those 7 weeks are it for us...it's sort of paralyzing.

I had a fun night Friday, going to the movies, finding the best dive bar ever in Manayunk, playing some pool, and darts, it was good. But I wasn't always present, I'm never fully present anymore...he occupies at least every other thought. It still feels impossible that there will be a day where that isn't the case.

The Painter asked me to come over...after I dropped my friends off I decided I didn't want to go home alone to my basement room and cry over him...so I accepted the booty call. Like last time it was good, but nothing special. Felt good, but just empty.  I really don't know if it'll ever stop feeling empty after experiencing what it was like to be with him...There's something so very different when you're just fucking, and what transpires when you're with someone who wants you in every way possible, mind, body, and soul. 

I like sex, I always have, and it doesn't always mean all that much to me...it's just something that feels good. But sex with him...I've never been so turned on in my life. Every inch of me would be ignited by his touch. I really don't know if my heart will ever recover from this.