My ability to focus is total shit... like it's been sort of shitty for the last few months anyways cuz life has been an asshole in general... but then everything started spiraling out of control with him... and all I wanted to do was spend time with him...I was more than unproductive at work it was definitely becoming a problem.
Now I no longer have him actually distracting me at work through the communicator where we would just talk about anything and everything.... or asking me to go for a walk, or to get lunch, or meet up at one of our parks, or hang out after work for a bit... but I'm still distracted, still not focused. Because I constantly miss him and I'd much rather re-read old conversations and try to relive some of our moments then actively participate in whatever is going on.
It's been difficult to get up in the mornings... which has been an issue for me like always... mornings are probably the closest thing I have to nemesis. But lately it's because I just want to keep dreaming, because in my dreams it's not over. In my dreams he's mine.
I really need to just focus on reality though. The reality that he didn't choose me and most likely he never will. Just typing that gave me the chills and causes all of me to ache. I have to squash these hopes that I'm the end goal or else I won't be able to move on or forward.
I'm dating... I'm meeting people and going out, but I'm still just thinking about him. I had a date-ish sort of thing for the Eagles game on Monday with a guy from softball, we'll call him the Pharm guy. I may see Pharm guy again on Saturday night...might crash a wedding.. that could be fun. But there's the potential for him to be there.. with the wife at this wedding... and that would be fucking dreadful... but also I kinda want him to see me dancing with some other dude and laughing and potentially making out...
I have another date tomorrow with another softball guy... who is like the exact opposite of Pharm guy...he has longer blond hair, dips, and has an earring...but fit as hell and a great face. I think I'll refer to him as Skater boy...and I have a night out planned for Friday with a guy who works in the cafe in the lobby of my building...we'll call him Dish man.
So there's quite a few players right now... all with varying levels of interest:
Sailor - my soon to be ex husband.
Mountain Man - hunky smart guy I met at the end of college that I should have called my engagement off for and pursued...
Him - love of my life, most unavailable person ever cuz he's married with children.
Actor - tinder dude that has also become a friend, we flirt and make each other laugh.
Painter - tinder dude that has become a fuck buddy. doesn't seem like he wants more which is cool with me.
Dish man - in the middle of getting divorced as well, he's a writer at heart, definitely interesting, not quite sure where it's headed but he makes me laugh and compliments me. He's a good distraction when being at work gets too hard.
Pharm guy - sweet and shy clean cut guy from softball, need to avoid breaking his heart...looks like a possibility, good friends with a guy that grew up with Him... so that could be awkward.
Skater boy - definitely getting the bad ass vibe from this one and he absolutely knows he's attractive. He asked me out via email which is adorable. Looking forward to actually getting to know him.
Damn! That's 8 men... well Sailor is not a contender anymore... but not out of my life yet...Mountain Man... I think I fucked that one up permanently. Him... I don't know, I think I did all that I could to show him how serious I am about being with him, that potential someday is entirely up to him... it's out of my hands and the sooner I'm come to terms with that, the better. Actor... he doesn't live in the area, the night we met up was very soon after things imploded with Him so it was very much just a needed distraction, but he told me my breasts are pure perfection so that was awesome. So I guess that really leaves only 4 active contenders. Perhaps I'll have the perfect rotation of fuck buddies and gents to take me out on the town?
I've never actually dated before, so I really don't know how much of what I'm doing I'm suppose to disclose to each of these dudes. Painter doesn't really seem to give a fuck, which is exactly what I'm looking for but last Friday when we met up he got a little forceful at one point and I definitely wasn't ok with it and I'm still debating about whether or not I'd like to see him again. Pharm guy and Skater boy are both on my softball team and we have playoffs next week...so I feel like I definitely need to be upfront with both of them that the other asked me out and I accepted...but I don't even know how to go about that...
Well we'll see how the rest of this week goes...Skater boy tomorrow, Dish man on Friday, potentially Pharm guy/Him/Painter on Saturday or meeting up with frisbee friends downtown and I think one of the dudes from my team definitely has his eye on me... but I'm not all that interested...
All of them are nice, all of them are cute, none of them compare to him though, still feels like no one ever will.
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