If I could talk to him, I'd ask how the golf tournament went with his dad.
I'd ask how therapy was on Wednesday... I probably would have texted him a whole bunch over the weekend while I prepped for my work function on Sunday. Then late at night when we were both on facebook messenger I would have lamented about said work function...
I miss talking to him everyday. I miss having someone who genuinely cared about what I was doing everyday. I miss agreeing to get water at the same time just to see his face.
I went on a Tinder date on Thursday with a man I'll call Painter. He's handsome, very fit, interesting enough, and funny. We had a lovely time, but it was nothing special.
I'm not looking to be in a relationship, not at all. I don't really have the time for that right now... nor do I think it'd be beneficial for me, or am ready for. I still have no idea if I'm staying in PA, if I'm going to keep working or am I going back to school full time to get my masters. I need to be free and unattached to be able to do exactly what I want, whatever that ends up being.
Friday night after getting drinks with my frisbee team, I ended up going down into the city to meet up with the Painter. It was definitely a booty call, and I didn't really mind. A fuck buddy is essentially all I really want right now. I'm lonely, and I like sex...It was good, but again nothing special.
I don't think anything is ever going to compare to him until I fall in love again. I sort of dread the idea that everything is going to feel just a little bit empty until I get over him.
Today there was a training thing, and in the past, even well before shit crossed the line, we would have always sat next to each other. I wanted to, so badly, I almost asked him if the seat was taken. But I thought better of it and sat next to another co-worker.
I could barely focus on the training...partially because the presenter just reminds me of Dwight from the office (of course something that he pointed out to me) so that was just making me chuckle the whole time, but mostly because I just wanted to look at him.
All I could think about was us...and the fact that I really need to start believing that there is no us. That he's never going to leave his wife and children, that what happened between us was just an awful mistake and that someday we talked about will never happen. But I can't forget about everything that we said to each other, and the way it feels to be with him.
We had a lunch date at the very beginning of all of this, we were both in the office on a Saturday and of course we ended up just hanging out together and not doing any work...but we decided to get food together. But then he decided that it was a date, opening doors, taking out chairs, and paying for it all. It was actually really lovely. But I remember asking him at one point if he and his wife we're going to have more children and he said he didn't want to but that she's already been talking about wanting more. Skip ahead a month and we're in my car and now things have become a full blown affair and we're talking about what a future together would look like and I say that I would want to have children of my own and that no I'm not ready to be an instant mother right now, that I've got too many things that I want to do first. He looks at me and tells me I'd give you children, of course I'd give you children, I saw you with my girls, you're going to be a wonderful mother. And when I brought up what he'd said before, he was like I meant I didn't want to have anymore children with my wife.
I can so easily picture a future with him, and what life with him would be like. I told him once he felt like home, and I really meant it. When I'm with him I'm just so comfortable and I feel safe and relaxed and I'm not worrying about anything else that's going on...just genuinely enjoying being in his presence. I've never felt that way about anyone. Honestly I've never experienced time move so quickly before either... it was never enough, I could never get enough of him.
I don't want to leave and go back out to California because I need to runaway from this...I need to have a bigger and more my potential future life plan oriented reason. But I really don't know how I'm supposed to survive coming in here everyday and actually get work done. I just can't focus. I'd much rather re-read old messages and emails or read articles about people who've gone through this... but those articles are usually depressing and convince me that I'm just being a hopeless romantic.
If I could sleep for a year and wake up in a different life, I'd be all about that.
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