It is is absolute torture to be missing someone so badly that it makes your chest tighten up while knowing that you could just walk down the hall and you could see their face.
The irony I feel is pretty ridiculous when I can't stop myself from rereading old emails and messages when I miss him too much I can't focus at work anyways, so I indulge and let my mind go back to those days when we were madly in love and didn't give a fuck about consequences and the whole thing just felt so perfect that it was surreal, and here I am at my cube reading his words and missing him something awful, and then he just fucking walks by.
We talked a whole lot last Friday. He decided I exist and that he gave two shits about my pending grad school choice and how my Easter was and my family. We had chatted briefly the Friday before when the Burdman's San Fran broad was in town and I had no one else to talk to about it. The convo stayed perfectly within the friend realm and it was nice. But this time...initially when he decided to call after me in the parking lot, it was fine. Normal, casual, grad school stuff, how was Easter, pretty standard things.
But then I message him asking if that was an ok thing to do, that I never know what's ok and what's welcomed. We end up chatting on there for like two hours and then it ending with him saying we probably can't talk again for a while because it's never "just" anything when it comes to us and him at one point saying "You're an evil temptress. And I'm weak." I had mentioned to him the Friday before that Lumberjack met my parents cuz he helped me move and so he point blank asked, how's your boyfriend? how's that going?
Was honest, told him that Lumberjack wasn't my boyfriend, just a friend with potential, but that he started talking to his ex again and that I'm pretty certain they're getting back together. Which has been fun... have been getting a play by play of all that and trying to give impartial advice all the while I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be enough to be someone's choice...but then I think, no fuck them, I'm awesome and eventually I will stop meeting idiots. Someday when I meet a man worthy of me, he will be smart enough to readily recognize the gem that I am.
We ended up going to the Walk the Moon concert together even after I offered him both tickets so he could go with her...I just knew he'd enjoy himself more with her. It was as fun as it could be hanging out with a dude you wish would just date you but he's too hung up on his ex to even really see you clearly even though you see him and all the potential. I'm afraid yesterday might have been goodbye... It sort of felt like it was but I didn't want it to be, so I didn't bring it up. I knew once I started to develop feelings for him that trying to stay friends was most likely going to result in me getting hurt. But I decided he was still worth getting to know. I think I may have started to fall for him though... which would be just my fucking luck.
He really is such a good dude, reminds me so much of my twin. I sort of realized last night, that maybe part of the attraction to Lumberjack is that I miss having my brother in my life more than I knew. I just want him to be happy, regardless of if I'm a part of it the way or want to be, or a part of it at all. Fuck man I need to stop being so free with my love...I'm only ever disappointed.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
I wonder...
Just had a run in with Him in the break room...It was nice to see his face and to hear his voice...
I wonder if he knows how much I miss him and how often I think of him or if he knows that even though Monday was a really good and productive day for me, it still ended with me crying over him.
I've wanted to say so many things to him since we got lunch together on the 9th and I point blank asked him to tell me he wanted a life with his wife more than he wanted one with me. I needed to hear that he was doing what he wanted and not just what he thought he should be doing...We just have always left the door so fucking wide open and I need to close it to be ok...He said what I needed him to, and if he couldn't I wanted him to promise to never contact me if I was with someone in the future...because I've recognized I'd never be able to say no to him and I hate knowing that...and I don't ever want to hurt someone else that way.
He said some stupid shit along the lines of I don't even know what you see in me I'm kind of an asshole... and I just couldn't say anything, was trying to keep it all to what was necessary...but it still feels like he thinks I'm just a silly girl with a crush...I wish it had been fleeting infatuation, it would be so much easier to get past and get over all of this if that were the case.
What do I see in Him... I see everything, I see a future of happiness, laughter, music, love and true acceptance. He was like just because we have a connection doesn't mean we're supposed to drop everything to be together...and I wanted to say why not? But I didn't...but clearly what I think we have and what I see and feel isn't the same for him. If he loved me the way I want my forever person to love me, he'd never risk losing me. I want an epic love, there's so much in life that we say "good enough" and love just shouldn't be one of them. What would be the point of all of it if you just settled?
Lumberjack and I are talking again and I'm not entirely sure where that's headed, I've been backing off and he's still reaching out here and there and we had a really nice time together on the 13th, honestly it was such a nice ending to that shitty week. I feel like if I just keep being me, and being there for him, something might happen. But it's also like I shouldn't have to talk someone into being with me... I want someone to be as excited about me as I am about them. In the very beginning of things with the Lumberjack it felt he was excited too, and things were definitely progressing quickly and to more than what I'd initially planned on but I was game to feel it out...seems like he decided that it wasn't real...
I officially got into MALTA!! wooooo! and I think I'm going, I'm like 80% sure, I just really need to figure out the logistics of it. Honestly when I get upset about things with Him I just try to remind myself that he's stuck in a marriage with two kids that may or may not be happy again and I've got all these awesome things ahead of me, I mean living abroad for a year??! My life is actually kind of sweet when you ignore all my loose ends I'm tying up from my phase of recklessness.
All I know, and need to keep reminding myself is that my person is out there, and when the timing is right, it'll work out, and whatever is in my future will be better than what I'd previously resigned myself for.
I wonder if he knows how much I miss him and how often I think of him or if he knows that even though Monday was a really good and productive day for me, it still ended with me crying over him.
I've wanted to say so many things to him since we got lunch together on the 9th and I point blank asked him to tell me he wanted a life with his wife more than he wanted one with me. I needed to hear that he was doing what he wanted and not just what he thought he should be doing...We just have always left the door so fucking wide open and I need to close it to be ok...He said what I needed him to, and if he couldn't I wanted him to promise to never contact me if I was with someone in the future...because I've recognized I'd never be able to say no to him and I hate knowing that...and I don't ever want to hurt someone else that way.
He said some stupid shit along the lines of I don't even know what you see in me I'm kind of an asshole... and I just couldn't say anything, was trying to keep it all to what was necessary...but it still feels like he thinks I'm just a silly girl with a crush...I wish it had been fleeting infatuation, it would be so much easier to get past and get over all of this if that were the case.
What do I see in Him... I see everything, I see a future of happiness, laughter, music, love and true acceptance. He was like just because we have a connection doesn't mean we're supposed to drop everything to be together...and I wanted to say why not? But I didn't...but clearly what I think we have and what I see and feel isn't the same for him. If he loved me the way I want my forever person to love me, he'd never risk losing me. I want an epic love, there's so much in life that we say "good enough" and love just shouldn't be one of them. What would be the point of all of it if you just settled?
Lumberjack and I are talking again and I'm not entirely sure where that's headed, I've been backing off and he's still reaching out here and there and we had a really nice time together on the 13th, honestly it was such a nice ending to that shitty week. I feel like if I just keep being me, and being there for him, something might happen. But it's also like I shouldn't have to talk someone into being with me... I want someone to be as excited about me as I am about them. In the very beginning of things with the Lumberjack it felt he was excited too, and things were definitely progressing quickly and to more than what I'd initially planned on but I was game to feel it out...seems like he decided that it wasn't real...
I officially got into MALTA!! wooooo! and I think I'm going, I'm like 80% sure, I just really need to figure out the logistics of it. Honestly when I get upset about things with Him I just try to remind myself that he's stuck in a marriage with two kids that may or may not be happy again and I've got all these awesome things ahead of me, I mean living abroad for a year??! My life is actually kind of sweet when you ignore all my loose ends I'm tying up from my phase of recklessness.
All I know, and need to keep reminding myself is that my person is out there, and when the timing is right, it'll work out, and whatever is in my future will be better than what I'd previously resigned myself for.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Moving Forward
Damn! It's been over a month! I did download this little app thing called one day, and I wrote very short quick entries in that so it's not like I've been so busy and happy I haven't needed to write..
I'm at work and should be leaving soon for some plans.. I did nothing today. Like actually nothing... but the last few days have been emotional as fuck. The Sailor shipped off to Bahrain yesterday and we had to have some serious conversations about the divorce and other shit prior... but I learned that his parents have an urn of Bow's ashes with his paw print on it, sitting on their mantle. Learning that just totally destroyed me and I started crying on the phone and I so didn't want him to see me that vulnerable. I hate the idea of my baby being with them... but I don't know if it's worth causing drama.
At the end of last week I put myself out there with the Lumberjack...I told him I wanted to date him exclusively and he said he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now. But he didn't elude to liking me that way or wanting to still be friends. Left it off with "you have an open invite to my life" but that I couldn't continue expelling effort on someone who was only lukewarm about me being in their life. So maybe he'll miss me and maybe he won't. At this point though I did all that I could to have the outcome I wanted.
I'm at work and should be leaving soon for some plans.. I did nothing today. Like actually nothing... but the last few days have been emotional as fuck. The Sailor shipped off to Bahrain yesterday and we had to have some serious conversations about the divorce and other shit prior... but I learned that his parents have an urn of Bow's ashes with his paw print on it, sitting on their mantle. Learning that just totally destroyed me and I started crying on the phone and I so didn't want him to see me that vulnerable. I hate the idea of my baby being with them... but I don't know if it's worth causing drama.
At the end of last week I put myself out there with the Lumberjack...I told him I wanted to date him exclusively and he said he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now. But he didn't elude to liking me that way or wanting to still be friends. Left it off with "you have an open invite to my life" but that I couldn't continue expelling effort on someone who was only lukewarm about me being in their life. So maybe he'll miss me and maybe he won't. At this point though I did all that I could to have the outcome I wanted.
I'm definitely bumming out about it, I miss talking to him and it's only been a few days. He really had started to become my person... And was more of a distraction than I realized...and so were tinder and OKC. I deleted both off of my phone...but without the distractions He is all I can think about. Especially after telling our love story to a new friend.
I still miss him so fucking much. It's now March, things have been over for 5 months...I really don't think I'll make much more progress with getting over him until I leave the office and all communication actually stops.
Will hear back from NYU this weekend... And then Malta next week and my financial package from UPenn as well. Lots of decisions coming up.
I wish I could still talk to Lumberjack but I stayed true to my promise about not ignoring my inner voice ever again.
Cheers to a life with as few what ifs and regrets as possible!
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Patience is a Virtue
Well it has been a while since I've posted anything... Like I said, I don't tend to write as much when I'm happy. The rest of 2014 got pretty hectic with all the holiday shenanigans and grad school stuff. I really do love it when life gets so busy you don't have the time or space to ponder the what ifs, you're way too busy in the now.
Now that all my pressing deadlines for grad school are wrapped up... things have slowed up again in general. I met someone recently through Tinder that I actually really like, and he was quite the reprieve from my life and really helped me deal with the stress of grad apps. But now we're just friends...which for now is totally fine, but I was definitely bummed about it. We'll call him Lumberjack. Gosh is he an impressive specimen. The man is 6'2" and fit as fuck with this amazing beard! I didn't even know I liked beards. He tosses me around like a doll and jesus h christ is he blessed with a lovely dick. First time I saw it, no lie, the words just flew out of my mouth "It's beautiful, I think I just met my new best friend".
We have amazing chemistry and we can actually hold wonderful conversation together. But I was very upfront about where I'm at in my life and that I've too many things coming up in the near future to be entangled with someone in a serious relationship. He said he was just out of something as well and that a laid back relationship with fun sex sounded good to him. But then two weeks in he's all like I'm not built for FWB, it all feels too empty without the loving and emotional aspect and although he really likes me, he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. So here we are just friends now and I'm on the prowl again for someone to fuck around with and do fun things with. I like sex... but I'm not a fan of the one night stand gambit and I don't really have time for it. I just want someone who is not going to expect more from me because I just can't give it, and will get that everything else in my life is always going to take precedent.
Ugh I really want Lumberjack to change his mind! It felt so perfect... exactly what I was looking for...talking with a few gents from Tinder and OKC (which I need to write an entire entry about the crazy that is OK Cupid... soon...) have a date tomorrow actually... We'll see how those pan out. I think I'm finally embracing being single...
Grad school stuff has taken quite the turn for the exciting, I may get to spend a whole year in the Mediterranean?!?!? AHH! I couldn't be more excited about it honestly. I'm definitely on that better path, there's been some hiccups in 2015 already.. roommate drama per usual...will be moving back in with my parents, but that's definitely a good thing overall.
I just wish my heart would hurry up and stop loving Him...there's no future there. So much of me knows that...but that doesn't seem to help me forget and move on. I'm still longing for him and dreaming of him. I'm still so scared I'm never going to love someone the way I love him, and even though I really don't want the kind of life that would come with him...Even if I had a perfect life, I wouldn't be happy knowing that I'm capable of loving someone that way. I really just need to focus on living in the right now, and controlling what I can. Things with him the moment feel better than they have... we chatted on his birthday and we left it off with "friends in spirit" which made me laugh but also feels accurate, and is comforting. I've never missed someone the way I miss him... I really didn't know how much I loved him and how much space in my head and my heart I'd cut out for him until it all became empty. I re-read our exchanges during the beginning of the end, and I was so much stronger at first, still very logical about it all, and totally in this place of I'll be fine I'll get over this. I do still know that...but I definitely didn't know how hard it was going to be to just sit here and watch myself lose someone that I know I'd do anything for.
I don't think the sadness I feel about this situation will ever leave me... I know it'll get more manageable...but I've never been hurt the way he has hurt me... and I know it's because I never before had let someone see me so fully and unfiltered. Someday I will meet my person...I just need to learn to be patient.
Now that all my pressing deadlines for grad school are wrapped up... things have slowed up again in general. I met someone recently through Tinder that I actually really like, and he was quite the reprieve from my life and really helped me deal with the stress of grad apps. But now we're just friends...which for now is totally fine, but I was definitely bummed about it. We'll call him Lumberjack. Gosh is he an impressive specimen. The man is 6'2" and fit as fuck with this amazing beard! I didn't even know I liked beards. He tosses me around like a doll and jesus h christ is he blessed with a lovely dick. First time I saw it, no lie, the words just flew out of my mouth "It's beautiful, I think I just met my new best friend".
We have amazing chemistry and we can actually hold wonderful conversation together. But I was very upfront about where I'm at in my life and that I've too many things coming up in the near future to be entangled with someone in a serious relationship. He said he was just out of something as well and that a laid back relationship with fun sex sounded good to him. But then two weeks in he's all like I'm not built for FWB, it all feels too empty without the loving and emotional aspect and although he really likes me, he doesn't have romantic feelings for me. So here we are just friends now and I'm on the prowl again for someone to fuck around with and do fun things with. I like sex... but I'm not a fan of the one night stand gambit and I don't really have time for it. I just want someone who is not going to expect more from me because I just can't give it, and will get that everything else in my life is always going to take precedent.
Ugh I really want Lumberjack to change his mind! It felt so perfect... exactly what I was looking for...talking with a few gents from Tinder and OKC (which I need to write an entire entry about the crazy that is OK Cupid... soon...) have a date tomorrow actually... We'll see how those pan out. I think I'm finally embracing being single...
Grad school stuff has taken quite the turn for the exciting, I may get to spend a whole year in the Mediterranean?!?!? AHH! I couldn't be more excited about it honestly. I'm definitely on that better path, there's been some hiccups in 2015 already.. roommate drama per usual...will be moving back in with my parents, but that's definitely a good thing overall.
I just wish my heart would hurry up and stop loving Him...there's no future there. So much of me knows that...but that doesn't seem to help me forget and move on. I'm still longing for him and dreaming of him. I'm still so scared I'm never going to love someone the way I love him, and even though I really don't want the kind of life that would come with him...Even if I had a perfect life, I wouldn't be happy knowing that I'm capable of loving someone that way. I really just need to focus on living in the right now, and controlling what I can. Things with him the moment feel better than they have... we chatted on his birthday and we left it off with "friends in spirit" which made me laugh but also feels accurate, and is comforting. I've never missed someone the way I miss him... I really didn't know how much I loved him and how much space in my head and my heart I'd cut out for him until it all became empty. I re-read our exchanges during the beginning of the end, and I was so much stronger at first, still very logical about it all, and totally in this place of I'll be fine I'll get over this. I do still know that...but I definitely didn't know how hard it was going to be to just sit here and watch myself lose someone that I know I'd do anything for.
I don't think the sadness I feel about this situation will ever leave me... I know it'll get more manageable...but I've never been hurt the way he has hurt me... and I know it's because I never before had let someone see me so fully and unfiltered. Someday I will meet my person...I just need to learn to be patient.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Musings
I really just want to talk to someone... about him... or honestly just talk to him. The latter really can't happen and potentially won't ever truly happen again. The former... I just feel like everyone in my life is tired of those conversations. I know I'm tired of them, but he's still on my mind most of the time.
I continually put off the shit that I should be doing to just zone out and think about him... to re-read messages...to try and find whatever pictures of him I can with him being blocked on facebook. I told him he'd be blocked until he no longer was the first thing I thought of every morning. I have a feeling that's not going to happen until I actually leave this office. But to leave the office I have to get into fucking grad school which means I need to get my act together and finish writing my personal statement and fill out the applications.
I'm having a hard time writing it... I think part of it is the fact that I can't stay focused long enough to do so... and also it's hard writing about yourself in a positive manner...
I definitely had a breakthrough last week in regards to all of this. Last Monday was rough though, it started with an email from him warning me about some party to not go to because he was going to be there. I ended up emailing him back being like yea this is fucking weird... and then sort of had word vomit... I want to talk to him all the time, so when I get the opportunity it just all comes out. I ended up basically sending him that email I'd written up to go along with the awesome song mix CD...
His email back definitely gave me a case of the sad sads...he declined the CDs and basically said he'd like to redact everything he ever said and that everything has become a negative memory for him and that he believes it really was all circumstances. That he loves his wife and she loves him and they've already made improvements in their marriage.
Later that day I saw my dad for the first time in four months, so honestly the first time since my life imploded... we talked about some of this... he was sorry that I'm hurting, said that it's "his loss" told me to really try and walk away from it all if I can, that if he's moving on I need to as well. When I asked him if he thought I actually loved him or if it was just circumstances, he said he thought I was rebounding from my own marriage... but that if I really love this guy, it will survive everything.
I cried myself to sleep pretty much all week, but then Thursday morning when I woke up, the first thought I had was well gosh, if this is rock bottom, if this is me at my worst, a reckless me who doesn't love or respect herself, then I can't fucking wait to see how awesome I'm gonna be when I really do lock it up and get my shit together. That day was the best I've felt in a really long time and I could just feel it in my bones that life is grand and I'm gonna live a big and loud one, and that better version of me is going to be something to behold.
Late Thursday night I ended up emailing him to forewarn him about this happy hour we have as a thank you for the movember efforts and I basically ended up telling him that it's ok that he doesn't want me in his life but if things really are working out with his wife, that events like this are all we have left, because although he may want to be friends some day in the future it'll never happen because I'll only ever be a threat to his wife, a temptation for him, and it'd be torture for me and that we'd be idiots to let those three negative T's into our lives. I told him that even though he takes it all back, and that yea if I'd had the wherewithal to recognize that indulging my curiosity and inner desires would mean losing him entirely I would have never crossed those lines, but that I still mean everything I said and all the promises I made him.
But then I told him that there was no need to worry about me, and pretty much shared with him my epiphany mentioned above. I just wish he understood that he only got a glimpse of what it's like to be with me and what a life together means... That I'm just going to get better with age.
Maybe I'm just being delusional about the whole damn thing. There is no way that he's the only person I'm going to have this kind of a connection with and I just need to remember to focus on that. It's just hard when I've never felt any of this before...He really is my first divorce friend, the first person I ever talked to that understood even a little about what my home life was like. We see so many things in such a similar way, our senses of humor are extremely in line with each other too.
I guess what I really need to try and take from all of this are just like with the Sailor, I now know more about what I really want and need in a relationship that's going to be lasting. I have to be able to be genuine buddies with them. I want someone who values the same things that I do. I want someone from a blended family like mine, I really don't think anyone else would ever be able to be as understanding as I will need them to be to try and make everyone happy as much is feasible. But I still want someone who will also see that our family unit is what comes first.
Part of me feels like it's a good thing to take the time to really evaluate what I'm looking for in a potential partner because then when I do meet them, I'll know. But honestly, it just seems stupid to even be thinking about any of that right now. I'm no where near ready to meet that person. I'm still hopelessly in love with him. I'm still holding out hope that he's going to recognize that he can't go back, that he'll never forget feeling more, that she will never be me.
I have to find a way to be able to let go of this though. Although all of me believes he and are kindred spirits and the life that we could have together would be more than worth it to go through all the shit we'd have to...A part of me also knows he's never going to leave his wife. All the people who would be impacted by this..breaking up the family they made together...pissing off her family....disappointing his own family...took me practically a year to decide to do that myself and I didn't have children. He's too unsure about us, and can't tell how much of his discontent with his marriage has to do with just having the temptation of me. I know that I have to for real eradicate myself from his life for him to be able to have an untainted view of his life.
Am I foolish for wanting to wait for him? If I really do feel so strongly about our potential and the happiness that we could have, and that I want to love him for the rest of my life, why is it a big deal to give a few years of my life to keep that potential someday alive? I really do need to learn to be ok on my own, and I am not ready for a serious relationship with anyone, and I don't want that anyways because I very much want to retain my freedom to truly be able to do everything that I want to. So if that's my plan anyways, is there really any harm in continuing to love him and wanting a life with him? To hold on to that dream until I'm actually ready for that life, and when I am, to reach out and ask him if he's happy. Then depending on his answer, that's when I'll know what's next for me. Either I'll have to move on for real and close that door, or I'll be amping myself up for a few tumultuous years and a messy and complicated life, but one filled with love and passion and fun.
I just need to take one day at a time and focus on the now. Which means stop staying up too fucking late and get my god damn personal statement written! Also figuring out an appropriate way to handle my feelings when I miss him. I'm sure I still have a few intermittent interactions ahead of me with him... I just really need to make sure I keep those interactions to what's necessary.
I am so fucking ready for 2014 to be over. Unfortunately I don't think 2015 is going to be any easier, but for real I don't think another year is going to be as hard as this one was for a long time.
I continually put off the shit that I should be doing to just zone out and think about him... to re-read messages...to try and find whatever pictures of him I can with him being blocked on facebook. I told him he'd be blocked until he no longer was the first thing I thought of every morning. I have a feeling that's not going to happen until I actually leave this office. But to leave the office I have to get into fucking grad school which means I need to get my act together and finish writing my personal statement and fill out the applications.
I'm having a hard time writing it... I think part of it is the fact that I can't stay focused long enough to do so... and also it's hard writing about yourself in a positive manner...
I definitely had a breakthrough last week in regards to all of this. Last Monday was rough though, it started with an email from him warning me about some party to not go to because he was going to be there. I ended up emailing him back being like yea this is fucking weird... and then sort of had word vomit... I want to talk to him all the time, so when I get the opportunity it just all comes out. I ended up basically sending him that email I'd written up to go along with the awesome song mix CD...
His email back definitely gave me a case of the sad sads...he declined the CDs and basically said he'd like to redact everything he ever said and that everything has become a negative memory for him and that he believes it really was all circumstances. That he loves his wife and she loves him and they've already made improvements in their marriage.
Later that day I saw my dad for the first time in four months, so honestly the first time since my life imploded... we talked about some of this... he was sorry that I'm hurting, said that it's "his loss" told me to really try and walk away from it all if I can, that if he's moving on I need to as well. When I asked him if he thought I actually loved him or if it was just circumstances, he said he thought I was rebounding from my own marriage... but that if I really love this guy, it will survive everything.
I cried myself to sleep pretty much all week, but then Thursday morning when I woke up, the first thought I had was well gosh, if this is rock bottom, if this is me at my worst, a reckless me who doesn't love or respect herself, then I can't fucking wait to see how awesome I'm gonna be when I really do lock it up and get my shit together. That day was the best I've felt in a really long time and I could just feel it in my bones that life is grand and I'm gonna live a big and loud one, and that better version of me is going to be something to behold.
Late Thursday night I ended up emailing him to forewarn him about this happy hour we have as a thank you for the movember efforts and I basically ended up telling him that it's ok that he doesn't want me in his life but if things really are working out with his wife, that events like this are all we have left, because although he may want to be friends some day in the future it'll never happen because I'll only ever be a threat to his wife, a temptation for him, and it'd be torture for me and that we'd be idiots to let those three negative T's into our lives. I told him that even though he takes it all back, and that yea if I'd had the wherewithal to recognize that indulging my curiosity and inner desires would mean losing him entirely I would have never crossed those lines, but that I still mean everything I said and all the promises I made him.
But then I told him that there was no need to worry about me, and pretty much shared with him my epiphany mentioned above. I just wish he understood that he only got a glimpse of what it's like to be with me and what a life together means... That I'm just going to get better with age.
Maybe I'm just being delusional about the whole damn thing. There is no way that he's the only person I'm going to have this kind of a connection with and I just need to remember to focus on that. It's just hard when I've never felt any of this before...He really is my first divorce friend, the first person I ever talked to that understood even a little about what my home life was like. We see so many things in such a similar way, our senses of humor are extremely in line with each other too.
I guess what I really need to try and take from all of this are just like with the Sailor, I now know more about what I really want and need in a relationship that's going to be lasting. I have to be able to be genuine buddies with them. I want someone who values the same things that I do. I want someone from a blended family like mine, I really don't think anyone else would ever be able to be as understanding as I will need them to be to try and make everyone happy as much is feasible. But I still want someone who will also see that our family unit is what comes first.
Part of me feels like it's a good thing to take the time to really evaluate what I'm looking for in a potential partner because then when I do meet them, I'll know. But honestly, it just seems stupid to even be thinking about any of that right now. I'm no where near ready to meet that person. I'm still hopelessly in love with him. I'm still holding out hope that he's going to recognize that he can't go back, that he'll never forget feeling more, that she will never be me.
I have to find a way to be able to let go of this though. Although all of me believes he and are kindred spirits and the life that we could have together would be more than worth it to go through all the shit we'd have to...A part of me also knows he's never going to leave his wife. All the people who would be impacted by this..breaking up the family they made together...pissing off her family....disappointing his own family...took me practically a year to decide to do that myself and I didn't have children. He's too unsure about us, and can't tell how much of his discontent with his marriage has to do with just having the temptation of me. I know that I have to for real eradicate myself from his life for him to be able to have an untainted view of his life.
Am I foolish for wanting to wait for him? If I really do feel so strongly about our potential and the happiness that we could have, and that I want to love him for the rest of my life, why is it a big deal to give a few years of my life to keep that potential someday alive? I really do need to learn to be ok on my own, and I am not ready for a serious relationship with anyone, and I don't want that anyways because I very much want to retain my freedom to truly be able to do everything that I want to. So if that's my plan anyways, is there really any harm in continuing to love him and wanting a life with him? To hold on to that dream until I'm actually ready for that life, and when I am, to reach out and ask him if he's happy. Then depending on his answer, that's when I'll know what's next for me. Either I'll have to move on for real and close that door, or I'll be amping myself up for a few tumultuous years and a messy and complicated life, but one filled with love and passion and fun.
I just need to take one day at a time and focus on the now. Which means stop staying up too fucking late and get my god damn personal statement written! Also figuring out an appropriate way to handle my feelings when I miss him. I'm sure I still have a few intermittent interactions ahead of me with him... I just really need to make sure I keep those interactions to what's necessary.
I am so fucking ready for 2014 to be over. Unfortunately I don't think 2015 is going to be any easier, but for real I don't think another year is going to be as hard as this one was for a long time.
Friday, December 5, 2014
"Smeared with the color of forgotten love"
Sometimes I know the title of a post before I even start writing...today is one of those days. That's part of a Bukowski quote the Burdman laid on me today and it's just resonating. The full verse it's from goes like this:
I’ve memorized all the fish in the sea
I’ve memorized each opportunity strangled
and
I remember awakening one morning
and finding everything smeared with the color of
forgotten love
and I’ve memorized
that too.
I just like the whole imagery of how everything else can seem tainted after something falls apart. Everything in my life right now just feels a little bit empty, a little less vivid, and just off. I think about him all the time and it's absolutely not healthy. I sent him a novel of an email the Sunday after the office hangout... I had told him Friday I had some things I wanted to say but agreed it could wait until Monday. But after my last blog entry and really thinking about everything that I want for myself and knowing that spending time together in person is too hard, email made more sense, so I wrote it all up. I decided to promise him that I would be the strong one from here on out and to not create anymore temptation for him so he can do what he needs to. I told him that even if he was in a place to choose me, I'm no where close to being ready for a life with him and the baggage he comes with. I said I'm going to spend the next few years focusing on myself and learning to be ok on my own and loving myself. I also promised that my heart would belong to him until I come back and ask if he's happy, and depending on his answer either I'll have to move on then or I'll be ready to figure out what a life together means...
We talked via text pretty briefly that Monday after I got his email back... then nothing until this Monday where we had a brief interaction due to Movember... and then today at the end of the day in the break room...I tried my best not to look at him, he was a part of a conversation with another co-worker about the office meeting today and other shit that's going on. I guess it's impractical to wish for zero interaction as long as I'm still working in this office... I just hate that I always look for his car in the lot, sometimes I even create a new email to check if he's in since he's blocked on the communicator...I'm constantly hoping to bump into him whenever I'm walking around common space. I highly doubt those hopes will stop...I always just crave to see his face.
I had a long night on Wednesday after taking the GRE and ended up going through all this music that I had put aside for a mix that I wanted to make for him...I got so into it and ended up with two mixes that I'm still refining...and I don't even know why I'm bothering with the effort because I don't think I really could give them to him without breaking my promise. I've been toying with the idea of giving him the one that really is just some awesome songs that I like and think he'll like too as a Christmas present. I even wrote up the email I'd send him... I mentioned the other CD which definitely tells a story and would probably be an emotional thing to listen to...but said that one would definitely break my promise but if he wants it he can ask for it on his birthday. I really do want to keep my promise to him but I also don't want him to forget about me...
Things have been over longer than they lasted and with more time that passes the less real it all feels. If I'm feeling that way I know he has to be too...the man I was getting to know and the things he said to me and the way he made me feel...it's hard to believe that he's still that man. Or that any of that really happened...I miss him, I miss all of it. I miss being excited to come into work to see his face, and to come back to my desk to see my communicator icon blinking and knowing there was a message from him, I miss someone texting me everyday and genuinely caring about all the nothings of my life. I hate that I literally know nothing about his life anymore and I used to know when he was coming into work, when he was leaving, what he was doing that night, what he was doing that weekend...The whole thing may have only been 7 weeks but the amount of time we spent together, and spent talking to each other throughout that...we would sometimes spend the whole afternoon just talking on the communicator and not really working at all. A few evenings on facebook messenger we stayed up way late, once it was until 4 in the morning. We talked about our first serious relationships, we talked about the worst things we'd ever done, we talked about the kind of stuff you really just don't talk about in general. Honestly there were some things I admitted to that I've never told anyone, and I'm an open book so that's saying a lot. It's so easy to just be myself with him...I've always been comfortable around him...we've always been able to talk easily...
I just hate that there's going to be a day when he doesn't love me anymore and I won't even know when that shift happens... or if it already has. But that really is what my reality is, that if he's trying to make the life he already has work... and to be happy in it, he has to get over me. I just wish I knew what was really going through his head...he was the one who started the "someday" talk, he was the one who seemed so sure of it. I guess I just wonder if he still feels that way and is just doing what he has to make sure he doesn't have regrets...
Hopefully soon everything with grad school will take up too much space in my head for there even to be room for anything related to him...
Saturday, November 22, 2014
What do I want?
He didn't end up coming to the happy hour thing for work, but we talked for a bit anyways that day because I needed to give him the softball bats back. We briefly talked about the Saturday debacle, I told him about the email I'd sent him and then I left for the happy hour. I texted him while there saying he should have come that it was a great turnout. He told me earlier he had to work late, he texted back asking if he bought a six pack would I drink it with him, that he wanted to talk about things.
I ended up going back to the office a little before 9 and we hung out and talked until like 2:30 in the morning. I don't think either of us wanted the evening to be over... I miss him so much. We didn't do anything, we were close near the end of the night... I was ready for it, I wanted him so badly, but for once we did the right thing.
He's so conflicted and it pains me to see him that way. I asked him what he wanted and he basically said he wants me to be over him so he doesn't have to feel bad but he also doesn't want me to forget about him so that if he ends up single again it wouldn't be that hard to convince me to be with him. He then readily admitted how selfish that all is and I agreed. He asked me what I wanted and I said I wanted him. And then he talked about all the baggage that he would come with and I said that I feel something strong enough and real enough that it's worth taking that on just to get the opportunity to see us through. He was like but think of that from my perspective, and I was like I know it's a huge risk. I asked him what was his biggest fear about choosing me. He said that if we realize we're not right for each other I'll think the life I had with my wife wasn't all that bad. At one point I said I don't know his wife I can't make any kind of judgements about her, but does he think that they can reach the kind of compatibility he and I have. And he was like define compatibility. I said the propensity to be able to be on the same page. He said he thought they did, but that he and I definitely have a lot more in common. I brought up how it's hard to compare all of this when he has known her for years and he and I were just getting to know each other. He also has doubts about my credibility due to all the ridiculous shit I've been doing the last few months.
A life with him is not ideal, it would be hard, and I feel like him choosing to work on his marriage should be a relief for me, it's my exit out of this situation. Of course it was always going to hurt to say goodbye and to not be his choice...but it feels like so much more than that. I cannot get over how strongly I feel that we were supposed to have met and that we always would have become more. I said maybe this is exactly how it was supposed to happen so that we would appreciate each other.
When I first met Sailor and we were on our first date, I remember having a fleeting thought that I could see myself marrying this man. I saw the potential he and I had right away, but with the Sailor I was always trying to impress him, to be who I thought he wanted me to be. I loved how much he loved me, I loved the security of knowing that I could do anything and he'd never leave me. And although he always said all the nice and lovely things, his actions and the way he treated me never made me feel any of those things.
When I'm with him though, I've never felt more like myself. He alluded to having a similar feeling but that he wasn't sure if I brought that out of him or if as a 30 year old man he's just more comfortable in his own skin. I'm sure being older is part of it, but I wonder if the way he feels around me... If he feels that way around his wife. If it is purely related to his level of acceptance with himself, then he should feel that comfortable with her as well.
I know I don't know him well enough to really know if we would work out, and I know I'm going to be a lot more diligent before I consider marrying someone again. I understand why I'm such a scary option but I also feel like regardless of if we are right for each other, if we went through with this and gave ourselves the opportunity to see what we could actually be out in the real world, I think it would prove to us both how much more there is to life. That even if we didn't work out, we wouldn't regret it because it would be so clear the lives we had before were shells compared to what it can be.
The baggage he would come with is a lot, and I don't take it lightly, but I also feel like my life has groomed me to be capable of handling it, I even said as much to him as we were watching a leaf dance in the wind in the parking lot. He mentions those hardships like they should change my feelings. They will absolutely complicate life, but they could never detract from who he is and what he means to me.
Would I be ready for all of it right now? No, definitely not. I want to go back to school full time to get my masters and hopefully that journey will begin next fall. Only one school is in this area and it'll be a two year thing. I know I'm not ready to be a parent yet and put another beings needs in front of my own. Ideally I think I want the freedom to go and accomplish some of the dreams I neglected because of the Sailor. I want him to take the time to really evaluate why he wants to work on his marriage and if it's really a relationship that he could find happiness in. If he realizes that it's not, I want him to actively choose me, I fear that if he just holds out until she gives up and wants to leave that I'll feel like I'm just the back up option. I don't know if that's something I'd be able to get over...and adding that to the pestering thought that if in the future we weren't happy he'd do to me what he did to his wife...both of those doubts together would lead to resentment.
If he decides that I'm worth the risk, that he can see that the life we could have together is what he wants, I'd want him to tell me, but I don't think I'd want him to necessarily do anything about it right away. If he's going to choose me and have to deal with all the consequences of that choice, I would never want him to have to do that alone. Divorce, even when it's you that wants it, is heartbreaking. The world you've known is gone and the sense of loss is overwhelming. I felt so aimless and lost and so unsure about my future until he and I started. I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been to go through the beginnings of my own, if I hadn't had him. With my immediate plans for my own future, I would not be able to be here for him. I hate that right now I can't be there for him even as his friend. I guess I'm saying I wouldn't want him to really make a decision and move forward until I'm back in this area...
Two years of limbo though sounds sort of dreadful, I just know that I cannot back down from my dreams again. That even if he chose me tomorrow, I would not decide to just stay. But I know me leaving would lead to resentment...but staying would lead to resentment on my part. He said on Thursday night that either way he's fucked and it's probably the biggest decision he'll ever make... He's right, both paths have their downfalls and both are going to be immediately hard. But we have to look at what the eventual reward would be once the shit storms are over. That after the first few years dealing with the divorce and figuring out how that's all going to work, me possibly not even being around because of school, lots of emotions, lots of drama, but none of that would last. At the end of that we would be together, and I really don't see us not working out. There's a phrasing that his dad used that I totally understand, this totally overwhelming feeling of needing to share life with him, it just doesn't feel like that would ever just go away.
When you decide you want to spend your life with someone you're saying that's the face I want to wake up to everyday, those are the eyes I want to lose myself in, that is the smile I want to make my heart swell, those are the hands I want to comfort me, that is the laugh I want to hear when I need it most, that is the mind I want to try my best to understand, that is the soul I want to create new life with. You are picking someone to share the burdens and joys with. You have to adore them so that when they eventually annoy you, all they have to do is smile and the annoyance is gone. You have to be able to have fun with them or else the hardships of life will become what's front and center. You have to be able to be unapologetically yourself when you're with them because across a lifetime together, it's impossible to always be what you think they want.
I feel like I could very easily have all of that with him, and not getting the opportunity to find that out is what I think kills me the most.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
What Ifs...
I ended up emailing him yesterday and just outright apologizing for Saturday but also trying to explain myself. I have no idea when he'll actually see it since he rarely checks that email but I guess when doesn't really matter. I mentioned this blog... sort of left it up to him to decide if he really does want to know the inner workings of my mind...
I've been writing a lot the last few days, my thoughts are so overwhelming right now. I've always written in journals and such when life got too much to handle, I really never tend to keep at it when I'm happy. For whatever reason though I always write as if someone may find it someday years in the future... I found one from early high school when I was moving into the townhouse. It's always weird to re-read your own thoughts but also therapeutic.
I just found out I have to come to the office after my softball game today... San Diego project.. ugh that is going to blow... it's also super fucking cold out tonight.
Tomorrow I'm going to be out in the field and then there's a happy hour to help fund raise money for our Movember efforts at work... gotta make sure I bring an outfit to change into...I don't know if he is going yet, he's on our team, his stache is definitely the best out of everyone participating. I hope he hasn't written me off entirely...but I still don't know if it's a good idea for him to read all of this... I think I worry the most about him knowing the shit I've been doing with other dudes. I still really have no idea what he was doing with his wife during our "relationship" I tried not to think about it... still don't want to think about it. I had been just chatting with a few dudes when he and I started, but after that Saturday lunch date and how awful I felt when I had to tell him about the random dude that had just been in my home... I stopped talking to all of them. I hadn't even wanted to start talking to people again when everything imploded but then he talked about this weekend getaway he was having with his wife over Columbus Day and I decided there's no reason for me to be alone if I don't want to be. So I met up with the Actor that Sunday and that was the beginning of me putting myself back out there. Last week was overwhelming though, I've taken the approach of least amount of effort on my part, I don't initiate shit just wait for them to contact me, but last week seeing almost all of them, like geez. I think it's good that I shut down Pharm Guy, I don't really see things progressing with Dish man, Painter was quiet this weekend... Skater boy wanted to carpool to softball tonight but I declined. I thought it'd be rude to show up with him when I told Pharm Guy that I basically wasn't ready to be dating...
Honestly that is the truth, I'm not ready for real dating, like dating with the intention of finding someone. I like Skater boy, and I think we're going to have a lot of fun with each other but he is so not what I'm looking for. For one thing I have no desire to blow him... yea that sounds crass but it's sort of a litmus test for me. To me, oral sex is way more intimate than just fucking. Fucking is a joint activity and you both can get off...Whereas with oral, it's a lot of fucking work and you are doing it purely for the pleasure of that other person. So to be honest I have to really like you to actually want to do that. Not that I probably wont eventually do it just because I don't like the idea of not reciprocating, but there's a big difference when I actually desire to do that, just because I want to. I knew shit was doomed with Sailor and I when I stopped wanting to... I'd avoid it at all costs, I'd even stop him from going down on me because I didn't want to have to reciprocate.
That relationship just got so fucked in the end...near the end I would always end up crying during sex and I know he always thought it was because he was leaving soon or something and that it was like out of love or whatever but it was usually because he had manipulated me into having sex in the first place and I was just disgusted with my life or halfway through I could recognize I didn't love him the way I used to. Being in love with the Sailor feels like such a lifetime ago now...I wonder how long it'll take for it to feel that way with him.
Lately he was always saying things like in reality we should have never found out about us and our compatibility... but that's not reality...that's more like a world where everyone always makes the morally correct choice. This is reality...where we each followed our wants and desires as humans are wanton to do. I wish we had just met sooner... I feel like we were supposed to but things got in the way. With or without Sailor, I was always on a path to be working for this company because that all happened because of my dad. My first time in this office was August of 2010, and I spent my winter break here senior year. I still don't know why it took so long for me to start playing softball... I wonder if I had ended things with Sailor and called off the engagement my senior year like I absolutely should have if I would have been more inclined to meet people at work and get involved. It's pointless to follow the black hole of what ifs but it's so hard not to when it feels like we would have always connected the way that we do, that our situations just intensified everything, they didn't create anything.
I've been writing a lot the last few days, my thoughts are so overwhelming right now. I've always written in journals and such when life got too much to handle, I really never tend to keep at it when I'm happy. For whatever reason though I always write as if someone may find it someday years in the future... I found one from early high school when I was moving into the townhouse. It's always weird to re-read your own thoughts but also therapeutic.
I just found out I have to come to the office after my softball game today... San Diego project.. ugh that is going to blow... it's also super fucking cold out tonight.
Tomorrow I'm going to be out in the field and then there's a happy hour to help fund raise money for our Movember efforts at work... gotta make sure I bring an outfit to change into...I don't know if he is going yet, he's on our team, his stache is definitely the best out of everyone participating. I hope he hasn't written me off entirely...but I still don't know if it's a good idea for him to read all of this... I think I worry the most about him knowing the shit I've been doing with other dudes. I still really have no idea what he was doing with his wife during our "relationship" I tried not to think about it... still don't want to think about it. I had been just chatting with a few dudes when he and I started, but after that Saturday lunch date and how awful I felt when I had to tell him about the random dude that had just been in my home... I stopped talking to all of them. I hadn't even wanted to start talking to people again when everything imploded but then he talked about this weekend getaway he was having with his wife over Columbus Day and I decided there's no reason for me to be alone if I don't want to be. So I met up with the Actor that Sunday and that was the beginning of me putting myself back out there. Last week was overwhelming though, I've taken the approach of least amount of effort on my part, I don't initiate shit just wait for them to contact me, but last week seeing almost all of them, like geez. I think it's good that I shut down Pharm Guy, I don't really see things progressing with Dish man, Painter was quiet this weekend... Skater boy wanted to carpool to softball tonight but I declined. I thought it'd be rude to show up with him when I told Pharm Guy that I basically wasn't ready to be dating...
Honestly that is the truth, I'm not ready for real dating, like dating with the intention of finding someone. I like Skater boy, and I think we're going to have a lot of fun with each other but he is so not what I'm looking for. For one thing I have no desire to blow him... yea that sounds crass but it's sort of a litmus test for me. To me, oral sex is way more intimate than just fucking. Fucking is a joint activity and you both can get off...Whereas with oral, it's a lot of fucking work and you are doing it purely for the pleasure of that other person. So to be honest I have to really like you to actually want to do that. Not that I probably wont eventually do it just because I don't like the idea of not reciprocating, but there's a big difference when I actually desire to do that, just because I want to. I knew shit was doomed with Sailor and I when I stopped wanting to... I'd avoid it at all costs, I'd even stop him from going down on me because I didn't want to have to reciprocate.
That relationship just got so fucked in the end...near the end I would always end up crying during sex and I know he always thought it was because he was leaving soon or something and that it was like out of love or whatever but it was usually because he had manipulated me into having sex in the first place and I was just disgusted with my life or halfway through I could recognize I didn't love him the way I used to. Being in love with the Sailor feels like such a lifetime ago now...I wonder how long it'll take for it to feel that way with him.
Lately he was always saying things like in reality we should have never found out about us and our compatibility... but that's not reality...that's more like a world where everyone always makes the morally correct choice. This is reality...where we each followed our wants and desires as humans are wanton to do. I wish we had just met sooner... I feel like we were supposed to but things got in the way. With or without Sailor, I was always on a path to be working for this company because that all happened because of my dad. My first time in this office was August of 2010, and I spent my winter break here senior year. I still don't know why it took so long for me to start playing softball... I wonder if I had ended things with Sailor and called off the engagement my senior year like I absolutely should have if I would have been more inclined to meet people at work and get involved. It's pointless to follow the black hole of what ifs but it's so hard not to when it feels like we would have always connected the way that we do, that our situations just intensified everything, they didn't create anything.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
The Winner Is...
Yesterday I finally got around to binding a file copy of a project that went out the door late night before I went up to Vermont for labor day... it was the last day before we honestly tried to just end everything after things went too far the night before after a softball happy hour. Being down in the repro room took me back to the day everything changed... the day he admitted I was his work crush too, the day I reveled in the way he was watching me while I worked to get a deliverable out the door. I could see his desire all over his face. I knew right then I was in trouble, but the excited giddiness I felt about the whole thing was such a welcomed relief from all the other emotions I'd been feeling the last couple of months, I just couldn't find it in me to keep my honest thoughts to myself and respect that he wasn't available. I knew how much I liked him already, I knew it was never going to be just a physical thing for me, I just never anticipated the reciprocation and that in turn I'd fall hard. I keep going back to the day we played hooky and how amazing it was, and how that small glimpse of what life could potentially be like with him was such a tease. We'd been a part for 7 days and it was quite a passionate reunion, I mean sex three times before noon and then another two later in the afternoon and I have zero doubts that if he'd been able to spend the whole day with me we would have fucked at least one more time maybe more. I have always liked sex, but I can honestly say the way that man can turn me on is unparalleled. There were numerous moments from that day, but I distinctively remember laying on my couch with my legs across his lap while we watched a movie and suddenly he leaned down and just attacked me with quick little kisses and I remember laughing and just thinking how much I loved him and how much I wanted the day to last forever.
I'm still undecided about potentially giving him the opportunity to read this blog... part of me feels like maybe it's a good thing that he doubts I care about him and doubts whether or not he actually knows the kind of person I am. Maybe definitively knowing that he's never coming back to me is the best thing for me. Maybe I should really be focusing on how this thing blowing up is the biggest blessing in disguise because a life with him would never be easy. I would never be a first anything, he would never be 100% mine. Half my friends already think he's a selfish schmuck, I can't imagine people at work wouldn't pass judgement. Being a step parent is fucking hard and dealing with an ex spouse is it's own emotional roller coaster, especially when she clearly already had insecurities in regards to me when we really were nothing more than friends. I'm sure she loathes me, so trying to have a working relationship for the sake of the kids and holidays... yea I'm sure that'll go down real great. Saying yes to that life would mean knowingly taking on the life I grew up with, and of course plenty of people had it way worse than I ever did, but my childhood wasn't easy, and I've seen first hand how hard it was for my step mom. Am I really willing to resign myself to that, when my biggest goal in life since I can remember was escaping the dysfunction of my family? I mean after how quickly he turned on me on Saturday I have serious doubts whether he actually loves me enough for it to be worth it...
Last night I was supposed to carpool with Skater boy to softball but our game got rained out. He asked if I wanted to just hangout and I was like sure I guess so. He used to work at Loyola and was in Baltimore this past weekend and brought back amazing home made crab cakes. So he offered to cook me dinner and hot damn was I impressed. The man can cook. Dinner was awesome. Turns out he cooks the entire Thanksgiving meal for his family every year too. We probably spent like an hour where I just listened and asked questions about everything he makes. I LOVE THANKSGIVING. Hands down favorite holiday. I actually just love fall all around, the colors of the leaves, perfect weather for sweaters and tights, apple picking, pumpkin carving, HALLOWEEN! I seriously get into dressing up, and then top it off with a day where you're allowed to eat as much as you fucking want and even encouraged to gorge yourself while surrounded by family and your favorite people. What more could a gal ask for. But yea he cooked, we ate, conversation flowed fairly easily, I cleaned the dishes, we sat on the couch and just talked about whatever, found out he has SEGA! I lost my shit, it's his brothers and he doesn't really play, and I wasn't about to make him watch me play... but I was close. He had Sonic, Lion King, bunch of Mortal Combats no terminator though...my twin and I loved SEGA. We even had this random duck hunting game too that I loved. Eventually we started making out on the couch, then up to his room...and I ended up spending the night. We didn't have sex, but I have to say there was something really nice about sleeping with someone and not being worried about whether or not I need to get my ass out of there. Skater boy is rough, and I like it. Biting and some scratching, shit was intense. I sense he's into ass slapping too... Sailor was, and I definitely liked it. I think he's going to be the perfect person to play house with when I need to. There really is something quite euphoric about feeling someone's desire for you. At one point I thought that'd we'd gone to sleep for the night, like I was definitely asleep and all of sudden he's on top of me and I'm like woah I thought it was sleep time, you said you were tired, and he was like it's not everyday "this" is in your bed. I loved the way he looked down at me and my bare chest when he said "this".
I started getting back into shape mid summer, and have been good about it since then, but the last two months with my eating habits so hap hazard from a combination of stress and depression, I've lost a lot of weight. My hip bones are back and I can start to see my abs again. It's a satisfying feeling seeing the body I once had come back. I think once it's really back, I'll be more adept at seeing myself the way these men do. When I feel like me again, maybe I can really start loving myself again. I lost myself when I was with the Sailor, and I'd absolutely given up on my life and had gotten to a place where my inner dialogue was, welp I guess this is the life I chose and this is it, better make the most of it. Deciding to come back east and separating myself from my life to allow me to really get a good perspective on it all was the best thing I could have ever done. I love this Fitzgerald quote, "I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you find the strength to start all over again."
I found the strength and I have hit reset, I just need to make sure I don't fucking squander it by continuing to be reckless and impulsive. I signed up for the GRE, I take it on December 3rd! I know where my recommendation letters are coming from and I decided on 5 schools to apply to. In order of my favorites: U of SoCal, MIT, Columbia, Berkeley and UPenn. I've been allowing myself to take part in shady things recently, but I have so much to be proud of and so many good things in my life to focus on, I have to make those things the center. My buddy, who I'll call the Burdman, he sent me this quote "remember the rule: everything starts over at each moment and all that's past is more useless than what is present" and told me I can't change the past, I can't fix things, I fucked up, but now I have to make the right choice in each moment. So cheers to making the right choice in every moment.
I'm still undecided about potentially giving him the opportunity to read this blog... part of me feels like maybe it's a good thing that he doubts I care about him and doubts whether or not he actually knows the kind of person I am. Maybe definitively knowing that he's never coming back to me is the best thing for me. Maybe I should really be focusing on how this thing blowing up is the biggest blessing in disguise because a life with him would never be easy. I would never be a first anything, he would never be 100% mine. Half my friends already think he's a selfish schmuck, I can't imagine people at work wouldn't pass judgement. Being a step parent is fucking hard and dealing with an ex spouse is it's own emotional roller coaster, especially when she clearly already had insecurities in regards to me when we really were nothing more than friends. I'm sure she loathes me, so trying to have a working relationship for the sake of the kids and holidays... yea I'm sure that'll go down real great. Saying yes to that life would mean knowingly taking on the life I grew up with, and of course plenty of people had it way worse than I ever did, but my childhood wasn't easy, and I've seen first hand how hard it was for my step mom. Am I really willing to resign myself to that, when my biggest goal in life since I can remember was escaping the dysfunction of my family? I mean after how quickly he turned on me on Saturday I have serious doubts whether he actually loves me enough for it to be worth it...
Last night I was supposed to carpool with Skater boy to softball but our game got rained out. He asked if I wanted to just hangout and I was like sure I guess so. He used to work at Loyola and was in Baltimore this past weekend and brought back amazing home made crab cakes. So he offered to cook me dinner and hot damn was I impressed. The man can cook. Dinner was awesome. Turns out he cooks the entire Thanksgiving meal for his family every year too. We probably spent like an hour where I just listened and asked questions about everything he makes. I LOVE THANKSGIVING. Hands down favorite holiday. I actually just love fall all around, the colors of the leaves, perfect weather for sweaters and tights, apple picking, pumpkin carving, HALLOWEEN! I seriously get into dressing up, and then top it off with a day where you're allowed to eat as much as you fucking want and even encouraged to gorge yourself while surrounded by family and your favorite people. What more could a gal ask for. But yea he cooked, we ate, conversation flowed fairly easily, I cleaned the dishes, we sat on the couch and just talked about whatever, found out he has SEGA! I lost my shit, it's his brothers and he doesn't really play, and I wasn't about to make him watch me play... but I was close. He had Sonic, Lion King, bunch of Mortal Combats no terminator though...my twin and I loved SEGA. We even had this random duck hunting game too that I loved. Eventually we started making out on the couch, then up to his room...and I ended up spending the night. We didn't have sex, but I have to say there was something really nice about sleeping with someone and not being worried about whether or not I need to get my ass out of there. Skater boy is rough, and I like it. Biting and some scratching, shit was intense. I sense he's into ass slapping too... Sailor was, and I definitely liked it. I think he's going to be the perfect person to play house with when I need to. There really is something quite euphoric about feeling someone's desire for you. At one point I thought that'd we'd gone to sleep for the night, like I was definitely asleep and all of sudden he's on top of me and I'm like woah I thought it was sleep time, you said you were tired, and he was like it's not everyday "this" is in your bed. I loved the way he looked down at me and my bare chest when he said "this".
I started getting back into shape mid summer, and have been good about it since then, but the last two months with my eating habits so hap hazard from a combination of stress and depression, I've lost a lot of weight. My hip bones are back and I can start to see my abs again. It's a satisfying feeling seeing the body I once had come back. I think once it's really back, I'll be more adept at seeing myself the way these men do. When I feel like me again, maybe I can really start loving myself again. I lost myself when I was with the Sailor, and I'd absolutely given up on my life and had gotten to a place where my inner dialogue was, welp I guess this is the life I chose and this is it, better make the most of it. Deciding to come back east and separating myself from my life to allow me to really get a good perspective on it all was the best thing I could have ever done. I love this Fitzgerald quote, "I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you find the strength to start all over again."
I found the strength and I have hit reset, I just need to make sure I don't fucking squander it by continuing to be reckless and impulsive. I signed up for the GRE, I take it on December 3rd! I know where my recommendation letters are coming from and I decided on 5 schools to apply to. In order of my favorites: U of SoCal, MIT, Columbia, Berkeley and UPenn. I've been allowing myself to take part in shady things recently, but I have so much to be proud of and so many good things in my life to focus on, I have to make those things the center. My buddy, who I'll call the Burdman, he sent me this quote "remember the rule: everything starts over at each moment and all that's past is more useless than what is present" and told me I can't change the past, I can't fix things, I fucked up, but now I have to make the right choice in each moment. So cheers to making the right choice in every moment.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Brilliant or Hell no...
So even though I tried to curb off the desire to want to write while at work by staying up entirely too late last night... here I am anyways.
I just can't stand the idea that he doubts how I feel about him... I know what I did on Saturday was a shitty thing to do... but misery loves company and dealing with this whole situation has been awful. I have always dealt with things by using distractions... the philosophy of fake it until you make it...Sometimes you just want to be ok and past a situation so badly that you just act like you are... but in reality all the shit is still there and just beneath the surface and it really doesn't take much for it to bubble over.
He has told me a few times that I need help... to get help... and I've used therapy my whole life and it is beneficial, but my self worth issues that stem from my dad and step father, my first love, and the Sailor...no one can help me with that. It's an issue that only I can over come, and it won't happen until I start loving myself. Everything with him has definitely just compounded all of it, and it was a such a self destructive thing to allow myself to enter into a situation where I knew the outcome would not be in my favor. Honestly a lot of the shit I've been doing to myself, if I'd done that to a friend, they'd absolutely not be my friend anymore... I've been an asshole.
I decided to totally shut down the Pharm guy... there was just way too much potential of hurting him, and getting into another drama filled situation like the wedding because of his relation to Him...I told Pharm guy that I'm a mess and he should keep his distance. He replied with "I'll take a guess that is has to do with your past relationship. I understand. You're def a catch. So if you are looking to hang out sometime let me know. Until then...we're friendly teammates." Hah if only he knew which past relationship it was...ugh. I told him I really appreciated it and left it at that.
Friday night with the Dish man was actually a lot of fun, he took me out in northern liberties and we got awesome tacos, then went to the barcade and I totally impressed him with my gamerrr skillz and ended it at Frankford Hall where I ate an entire smores pretzel by myself. Not ashamed, not even a little. I fucking love food. Then he came back to the townhouse where I'd already said he could crash on the couch since he was coaching soccer early in the morning in Manayunk and currently with his divorce situation he's living with his folks in Shillington. When we got back though my roommates were up and had some people over and we ended up smoking cigars and a bit of weed, drinking a ton and playing cards and rocking out to good tunes until like 4 in the morning. It really was a fun night, but I was sooo hungover the next day. But that was like the third time he and I have hungout and still he hasn't even tried to like touch me...and then he finally friended me on facebook yesterday and in stalking him I realized he's a lot fresher out of his marriage then he initially let me believe. Like there's posts of him with his wife from the end of September where shit still seems fine. He's definitely really bitter about all of it too... I have a feeling we're just going to be flirty friends that can commiserate about divorce. To be honest, I think that's actually what I want it to be anyways.
The date with Skater boy on Thursday was actually pretty fantastic. Because I'd already hung out with Pharm guy on Monday, I thought it was prudent to let Skater boy know that before we went out. I basically told him that I don't like leading people on but I also don't think it matters what you do in your free time unless things shift past more than just dating and hanging out, but that I wanted him to know that Pharm guy had beaten him to the punch. Of course he was weirded out by it, which I figured, and he almost called off the date. I told him that it wasn't weird for me because I just hit reset and I'm just trying to see everything that's out there, and I don't see the point in not being open to all opportunities. That you date someone to get to know them and then you decide if you want to keep getting to know them more and you don't want anyone else getting to know them. I basically ended the convo with saying either you want to get to know me better or you don't, that external factors shouldn't matter and that I'm not a piece of property and "dibs" isn't a real thing. Obvi he said he wanted to get to know me better and he took me out to this awesome cuban place downtown. It was really nice to get to know him better and we had a lot to talk about. He's really silly and made me laugh a lot which I definitely need. He even took a girl for ice cream afterwards so huuuge points for that. I was totally honest with him about my plans to go back to school full time that I had no idea how much longer I was in the area for. We talked a bit about our past relationships, he just got out of a 4 year thing in May. It seemed like we were both on the same page with we're just getting out into the singles world and not looking for something serious. He kissed me in his car in the lot of my complex and it was the first time I felt a tinge of hope that I may be able to get over him. I'm definitely interested in continuing to see the Skater boy, but I already know that there's no future there. I will need to be mindful of whether it seems like he sees potential with us or if he stays true to what he said and it would just be two people who enjoy each others company and hang out as much or as little as we feel like, no strings attached.
Where things stand with him... I really just don't know, the things he said about me Saturday night... it's like he has forgotten that he knows me better than anyone and like I have no right to be upset and quick to anger about this whole situation. I want to remind him that he does know me...that everything on Saturday was purely an emotional reaction and not some cold hearted calculated thing. There's a part of me that almost wants to let him read this blog. I initially had it open to the public when I thought it was mostly going to be a sexual escapades sort of blog... hence gem of the night, playing off lady of the night and the idea that each entry would end with my favorite thing whatever dude it was said that night, i.e. look at you ride that cock (seriously the shit I've heard is hilarious). But it quickly morphed into a place for me to deal with the emotions of losing him, so I made it private. I want him to know exactly what I've been going through... but I also don't necessarily want him knowing everything that I've been up to. I think some of it might hurt him... or cause him to think less of me... but I guess after Saturday that's a moot point. I feel like a cornerstone of everything he and I were, was how unadulterated and honest we were with each other about who we were and our feelings about everything. If he ever were to actually choose me, I would want to be certain that he knew exactly who I am.
I guess what I'm saying is there really anything at all to lose by allowing him to read all this? Would that be a brilliant way to ensure that he knew how genuine I am about my feelings for him, or is it a hell no worst idea ever you're a desperate and lonely woman.
Definitely best to think about this one for a while... falls in line with one of my self improvement goals...stop being impulsive... I should just plop all those goals in here as a reminder...
I just can't stand the idea that he doubts how I feel about him... I know what I did on Saturday was a shitty thing to do... but misery loves company and dealing with this whole situation has been awful. I have always dealt with things by using distractions... the philosophy of fake it until you make it...Sometimes you just want to be ok and past a situation so badly that you just act like you are... but in reality all the shit is still there and just beneath the surface and it really doesn't take much for it to bubble over.
He has told me a few times that I need help... to get help... and I've used therapy my whole life and it is beneficial, but my self worth issues that stem from my dad and step father, my first love, and the Sailor...no one can help me with that. It's an issue that only I can over come, and it won't happen until I start loving myself. Everything with him has definitely just compounded all of it, and it was a such a self destructive thing to allow myself to enter into a situation where I knew the outcome would not be in my favor. Honestly a lot of the shit I've been doing to myself, if I'd done that to a friend, they'd absolutely not be my friend anymore... I've been an asshole.
I decided to totally shut down the Pharm guy... there was just way too much potential of hurting him, and getting into another drama filled situation like the wedding because of his relation to Him...I told Pharm guy that I'm a mess and he should keep his distance. He replied with "I'll take a guess that is has to do with your past relationship. I understand. You're def a catch. So if you are looking to hang out sometime let me know. Until then...we're friendly teammates." Hah if only he knew which past relationship it was...ugh. I told him I really appreciated it and left it at that.
Friday night with the Dish man was actually a lot of fun, he took me out in northern liberties and we got awesome tacos, then went to the barcade and I totally impressed him with my gamerrr skillz and ended it at Frankford Hall where I ate an entire smores pretzel by myself. Not ashamed, not even a little. I fucking love food. Then he came back to the townhouse where I'd already said he could crash on the couch since he was coaching soccer early in the morning in Manayunk and currently with his divorce situation he's living with his folks in Shillington. When we got back though my roommates were up and had some people over and we ended up smoking cigars and a bit of weed, drinking a ton and playing cards and rocking out to good tunes until like 4 in the morning. It really was a fun night, but I was sooo hungover the next day. But that was like the third time he and I have hungout and still he hasn't even tried to like touch me...and then he finally friended me on facebook yesterday and in stalking him I realized he's a lot fresher out of his marriage then he initially let me believe. Like there's posts of him with his wife from the end of September where shit still seems fine. He's definitely really bitter about all of it too... I have a feeling we're just going to be flirty friends that can commiserate about divorce. To be honest, I think that's actually what I want it to be anyways.
The date with Skater boy on Thursday was actually pretty fantastic. Because I'd already hung out with Pharm guy on Monday, I thought it was prudent to let Skater boy know that before we went out. I basically told him that I don't like leading people on but I also don't think it matters what you do in your free time unless things shift past more than just dating and hanging out, but that I wanted him to know that Pharm guy had beaten him to the punch. Of course he was weirded out by it, which I figured, and he almost called off the date. I told him that it wasn't weird for me because I just hit reset and I'm just trying to see everything that's out there, and I don't see the point in not being open to all opportunities. That you date someone to get to know them and then you decide if you want to keep getting to know them more and you don't want anyone else getting to know them. I basically ended the convo with saying either you want to get to know me better or you don't, that external factors shouldn't matter and that I'm not a piece of property and "dibs" isn't a real thing. Obvi he said he wanted to get to know me better and he took me out to this awesome cuban place downtown. It was really nice to get to know him better and we had a lot to talk about. He's really silly and made me laugh a lot which I definitely need. He even took a girl for ice cream afterwards so huuuge points for that. I was totally honest with him about my plans to go back to school full time that I had no idea how much longer I was in the area for. We talked a bit about our past relationships, he just got out of a 4 year thing in May. It seemed like we were both on the same page with we're just getting out into the singles world and not looking for something serious. He kissed me in his car in the lot of my complex and it was the first time I felt a tinge of hope that I may be able to get over him. I'm definitely interested in continuing to see the Skater boy, but I already know that there's no future there. I will need to be mindful of whether it seems like he sees potential with us or if he stays true to what he said and it would just be two people who enjoy each others company and hang out as much or as little as we feel like, no strings attached.
Where things stand with him... I really just don't know, the things he said about me Saturday night... it's like he has forgotten that he knows me better than anyone and like I have no right to be upset and quick to anger about this whole situation. I want to remind him that he does know me...that everything on Saturday was purely an emotional reaction and not some cold hearted calculated thing. There's a part of me that almost wants to let him read this blog. I initially had it open to the public when I thought it was mostly going to be a sexual escapades sort of blog... hence gem of the night, playing off lady of the night and the idea that each entry would end with my favorite thing whatever dude it was said that night, i.e. look at you ride that cock (seriously the shit I've heard is hilarious). But it quickly morphed into a place for me to deal with the emotions of losing him, so I made it private. I want him to know exactly what I've been going through... but I also don't necessarily want him knowing everything that I've been up to. I think some of it might hurt him... or cause him to think less of me... but I guess after Saturday that's a moot point. I feel like a cornerstone of everything he and I were, was how unadulterated and honest we were with each other about who we were and our feelings about everything. If he ever were to actually choose me, I would want to be certain that he knew exactly who I am.
I guess what I'm saying is there really anything at all to lose by allowing him to read all this? Would that be a brilliant way to ensure that he knew how genuine I am about my feelings for him, or is it a hell no worst idea ever you're a desperate and lonely woman.
Definitely best to think about this one for a while... falls in line with one of my self improvement goals...stop being impulsive... I should just plop all those goals in here as a reminder...
Self-improvement list:
- get better at exercising self-control
- get better at separating emotional reactions from appropriate reactions
- take the time to actually think things through, being impulsive is not your friend right now
- stop allowing more stress and anxiety into your life
- stop replacing one problem with another
- stop allowing men to validate your self-worth
- start loving yourself, you're kind of awesome
- less is more
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